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A Look at Valentine’s Day


Ray here, checking in!

For some, it’s a day of love, and for others, it’s a day of sexual passion. But for the documented 2,716 singles in the Chicagoland area, V-Day is a one of requisite preparation and militarization. Representatives from Hallmark recommend that should you encounter one of the 2.24 trillion couples in the city of Chicago next week, minimal interactions are better. They are harmless unless provoked.

City officials caution from walking alone on the Hallmark holiday; the City of Chicago recommends keeping approximately 3.1 feet within the company of another, if one finds themselves without a bæ. Several Chicagoans residing in the Loop have observed in previous years peak roaming hours anywhere from 5:30 PM to as late as 2:30 AM the following day.

“Outwardly, I have seen couples dressed like you or me,” remarked I Am UIC blogger Sarah Lee, 21. “But if you stare too long into their eyes, then they look like some kind of Godiva-clutching arm-in-arm zombie duo. It becomes difficult to eschew eye contact with any of them.”  

Others have documented the proliferate spread of couples extending as far north as Crystal Lake and as far south as Orland Park. Outside of Hallmark V-Day hotspots, Hyde Park residents have observed couple proliferation through all forms of public transportation.

“On a normal day, I carry on my homeward commute in solitude,” remarked Jinu John, 21. “But on V-Day, especially the past few years, I have witnessed couples hand-in-hand occupying all of the seats on the Blue Line train.”

State Street Godiva Shoppe general manager John Rodriguez, 20, predicts upward of $4.8 trillion trillions will be spent on heart-shaped chocolate boxes this year.

An anonymous source, 20, has recommended the following “Required Listening” as a mental preparation for the auspicious occasion:

Hundreds of thousands of Chicagoan residents have recommended it as “the perfect soundtrack for Valentine’s Day militarization.”


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