Hello Seattle

I think its fair to say that there are moments in our lives where all we want is to see a change of scenery. If your very emotional, you'll call it "running away." Whatever you call it, the bottom line is you just want to be somewhere else, even for a little while.

This summer, between all the job searching and personal projects, I had one of these moments. For most of the summer, following the same routine and living off distractions, there was just too much uncertainty. With all of that just turning into anxiety, I knew I needed a change of scenery. I remember just calling my cousin and asking if I could come visit him in. I think its worth noting that my cousin and I have been planning to meet up for years, but it just never really developed due to us having obligations elsewhere. So, thats all it was for a while, a thought that took a backseat in our minds. But by mid July, I took a break from everything and decided to buy a ticket to Seattle.

Now, as untrue as it sounds, I wasn't excited for this trip. It was a really calm and underwhelming buildup and when I look back on it now, it probably had to do with the fact that I honestly forgot what looking forward to things felt like. It was more a feeling of relief rather than a feeling of excitement is how I would put it. I had no itinerary and was super underpacked. On top of that, my cousin couldn't even pick me up from the airport because he was working and my flight landed hours before he got off work. All I had was the hotel reserved for the last two days of my trip. So, for a short while, my biggest concern was figuring out transportation and where did I wanna go to kill some time. But I didn't feel anxious about it, and I feel like that was the point. Being somewhere where nobody really knew me, and therefore nobody expected anything of me. Just being somewhere I could exist without feeling the need to move toward something. Knowing that made it much easier to put everything aside for a little while.

This trip definitely carried a mixed bag of emotions. I remember just having late night conversations with my cousin since we're pretty close even to this day. It was a nice distraction just being able to catch up in person. I even met up with some friends who moved out there and caught up with them. But then there were these moments on the trip where I was by myself and just had time to reflect. Specifically the last two days of the trip where it was just me. I'd venture into the surrounding areas of Seattle, so kind of away from the downtown area, and just explore. I'd find quiet areas to sit and those were the moments I found myself thinking about everything I already knew before leaving. The reasons I felt so underwhelmed in the first place. I guess to put it bluntly, just seeing some people you haven't seen in a while and understanding that they moved on and progressed their lives. Don't get me wrong, i'm not naive, thats supposed to happen, and on the flip side it's never as perfect as it looks from the outside. But it's narratives like that, that remind me of my then current situation. It makes me feel like this trip was so overshadowed by feelings of anxiety rather than feelings of solace or even adventure.

I learned long ago that no matter where I'm at physically, if I don't change who I am or how I think then no place can truly heal me. I'll always feel the same way no matter where I go. I didn't go to Seattle expecting to fix my situation or hoping to come back a different person. If that was the case, then I would have really missed the point. Maybe its just about appreciating every moment you have, the good and the bad that comes with it. You don't need to have it all figured out to self validate who you are. Sometimes you just have exist, and that's ok.