Past The Static: A Survival Audio Drama (Scene 3)

Picture from The Walking Dead

Written by Niomi Dylan Sass

Scene Three: Gender Non-Specific

He slowly flips through more stations; a beat of static between each channel. It lands on station 95.4, and it appears to be a silent station.

91.1

Is anyone there?

A loud bang against the door is heard.

You have got to be kidding me.

He grabs the crowbar he used to get inside the building and heads toward the door. He takes a deep breath and opens it; one undead radio worker comes dashing out of the room, flinging the door open. He hides behind the door, planting his feet on the ground and gripping the crowbar tightly, ready to attack. The undead whips around and runs towards him. He holds the crowbar at the level of the undead's head, takes a step forward while swinging his weapon at it, knocking it down. He plants a foot on the undead’s chest and uses the sharp part of the weapon to stab it directly into its skull. 

(Primordial grunt) Eat that, you little bitch!

A voice comes from the radio.

95.4

Hell yeah! (Sarcastically) I bet that sick burn hurt more than dying. I just hope it was one of those dead dicks on the other end of that fight.

91.1

It was, thanks my guy.

95.4

That's strike one. They/them pronouns here so I’d prefer if you would refrain from any gender specific terms. And what are yours?

91.1

Totally. My bad, and uh, he/him my du—oodle.

95.4

That’s what I thought. So, you come here often? Or is this baby’s first drop off?

91.1

And what am I supposed to be dropping off?

95.4

Ahhhh. I see. You are not who I think you are. Excuse my informalness. This is station 95.4 where we buy, sell, and trade most, but not all. Everything has a price and our inventory is promised to suffice. 

91.1

Do I, like, come to pick it up?

95.4

That’s to be discussed after I find out exactly what it is you want. If it helps, our station has been equated to a sort of courier service.

91.1

So, like a post-apocalyptic Door Dash? Dude, that’s actually pretty tits. How do I buy something? 

95.4

Oooo, that’s strike two. All prices are now double, “dude.”

91.1

I totally meant it in a non-gender conforming way though.

95.4

Yeah, nice try.

91.1

Is money still worth anything in a world like this?

95.4

Not exactly money. Jewelry is always nice, but we run a kind of bartering system. It depends on what you have to give away, then we’ll tell you what you can have in return. Hopefully, it’ll be something of use to you or I can provide you with intel on the whereabouts to find what you need.

91.1

I don’t have anything besides the clothes on my back and some protection. Look, I’m all alone out here. I’m trying to find somewhere safe. I can carry my own weight. I mean you just heard me take out one of those things.

95.4

I sure did hear. We don’t specialize in real estate over here. We’re kind of just a surplus store. Short for Survival Plus Store. We kind of help direct people to locations that may or may not have what you need. Or, if you need an ear to vent to as well. Turn to station 95.6. I’m just messing with you; that channel doesn’t work.

91.1

Okay, alright. Are you able to point me in the direction of a group willing to take in an extra person then?

95.4

That’s where I won’t be able to help you unless you have a death wish. Only known group around your neck of the woods aren’t the kind of folks that welcome people with open arms. You have to do some unspeakable shit to get them on your side. 

91.1

Anything has to be better than being alone.

95.4

Now, I don’t think you’d be so sure of that, if, you knew what I know, I wasn’t letting you know.

91.1

What aren’t you letting me know?

95.4

It’s rumored that this group was partaking in these kinds of shenanigans before the world died. It rhymes with cannonballism.

91.1

They eat people?

95.4

Beat Unless, that is your vibe. We obviously don’t condone that sort of practice, but we also aren’t ones to judge on this station. It’s better for business that way. Were you interested in finding them to learn the ways of the -uh- cannonball people? Or are you in need of supplies? We have to keep this channel open to help people.

91.1

Can you help me find someone?

95.4

Um, we don’t specialize in the baby-making department—

91.1

No, man, a damn group to take me in.

95.4

That’s strike three.

Static.

91.1

No, wait! I didn’t mean it like that!

He turns to station 95.6 out of curiosity. It’s the same person from 95.4. They seem to be talking to someone in their vicinity but can be heard on the open station.

95.6

Can you believe that guy? “No, man, I couldn’t find any bros out in the man-dude wild. Do you happen to know where I can find some testosterone to roll into a doobie so when I smoke it, my balls can finally drop?” You know what? If that prick ever comes back across our line, I’ve got a word or two for him. Someone has to tell him that respecting a person’s pronouns didn’t die along with the world, too.

He changes the station to avoid being heard.

91.1

(Astonished, gob smacked even) I don’t sound like that.

Static.

(END OF SCENE)

Picture from The Walking Dead