The Crypts Anti-Valentine’s Hit List
- Niomi Dylan Sass
- 3 days ago
- 7 min read
Written by Niomi Dylan Sass
If you’re a ghoul who would rather be cuddled up next to a scary movie than a person this Valentine's Day, then I got you covered! The Crypt has curated a list of movies that you can watch all day long to remind yourself, “Who needs love?” The three g’s (girls, gays, and goths) would much rather spend the day with some activities of self-care involving blood, gore, and guts. Welcome to the Crypt’s Anti-Valentine’s Hit List.
The Bride Of Chucky (1998)
We have a display of domestic violence at the most absurd level. Famous serial killer Charles Lee Ray “Chucky” has been discovered by the police, but before he is killed, he is able to transfer his soul into a Good Guy doll. Tiffany Valentine, played by Jennifer Tilly, who has been Chucky’s lover, finds the doll that his corpse was transferred into. She resurrects him with a similar incantation used to transfer his soul, “Ade due Damballa! Give me the power I beg of you. ADE DUE DAMBALLA! AWAKE!” Tiffany was successful in her endeavor, but misogyny long lives in the spirit of Charles Lee Ray. By belittling and disrespecting the woman who brought him back from the dead, she quickly changes her mind, then locks him up. Tiffany found joy tormenting him and making Chucky angry. Since he didn’t want to marry her, Tiffany buys a bride doll that’s more suitable for a man, made of plastic. She locks the doll in the cage with Chucky and goes to take a bath.
There was an engagement ring on a necklace attached to the doll, and Chucky used it to carve through the wooden enclosure. In the next room, Tiffany is soaking in a chic tub filled with bubbles that is in the center of the room, and a small TV on a stand in front. As she’s flipping through channels, she lands on the Bride of Frankenstein (1935). If y’all know me, then you know how I love that movie and the 1931 Frankenstein. There is a lot of inspiration that the film Bride of Chucky takes from the 1935 classic. As Boris Karloff mutters out the words “We belong dead,” Chucky barges in and ultimately pushes the TV into the bathtub. As Jeniffer Tilly is screaming from being electrocuted, Elsa Lanchester is screaming on the television, floating in the tub. The electricity causes the bubbles to go rampant and fly all over the room while Chucky uses the same incantation to transfer Tiffany’s soul into the Bride doll. Just this kill scene, plus the farcical comedy that is two serial killers trapped inside of dolls, are the reasons this movie made it on the list.
ACTING: 9/10 STORY: 9/10 GORE: 8/10 OVERALL: 8.5/10
My Bloody Valentine (2009)
This is a horror remake from the 1981 cult classic, but it had the privilege of being 3D, and for that time, it was pretty rad to see guts flying straight at you. Without the glasses, we see CGI at some of its earliest stages, terrible. In the hometown of the estranged hot guy, Tom, played by Jensen Ackles from the series Supernatural, mining is rooted in their history. Also, lying beneath is a cavernous secret. Ten years prior to Tom’s return was a bloody massacre that took the lives of 22 individuals that happened on the night of Valentine's Day. Tom was one of the survivors and left town after that until coming back a decade later.
Since his return, there have been numerous killings, and one was caught on camera, revealing the killer in the same mining outfit as the same person from all those years ago. Also, the heart of one of his victims was left in a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Aww, how very Mary Shelley of the serial killer. There is a love triangle between Tom, his ex-girlfriend, and her husband, which adds major complications to the outcome of who gets to live. I will never lie to guys. The story for this one is mid, but, and it is a big but, the ending has a twist I didn’t see coming the first time. At least, there are tons of kills that make the movie extremely watchable, but ONLY on Valentine's Day. This film was remade in the era of terrible readaptations and now that we have entered an era of decent remakes, it’s about time to give this story another crack, but with the 3D technology the film industry has now.
ACTING: 7/10
STORY: 5/10
GORE: 8/10
OVERALL: 6/10 (BUT ON VALENTINE'S DAY 8/10)
Ready Or Not (2019)
Who doesn’t hate their in-laws? I bet you don’t hate them as much as Grace, played by Samara Weaving. She is most known for her breakout role in the Netflix film The Babysitter. Grace is engaged to a man whose family holds a sinister secret about how they acquired so much wealth. This insanely rich, eccentric family has a long-standing tradition whenever a member gets married: play a game with the whole fam. If only for Grace’s sake, it was that easy. It totally would have been if the box that randomly selects which game they all play hadn’t divvied out the “Hide and Seek” card. The rules are that Grace must hide while the immediate members of the family seek her.
At first glance, the game feels innocent enough until Grace finds herself hiding behind a bed. As she peeks over, she sees a maid leaving the room, hears a gunshot, and the maid’s lifeless body falls down. It is clear that she is not playing the same game that we all grew up playing, but a more deviously twisted version. Her husband finds her and takes her to the secret tunnels that are hidden through the enormous estate, and explains that this was the only bad card she could have gotten. A ritual commenced where the family must kill the person before sunrise, or else dire consequences will fall upon every person in that family. It’s a little obvious that she survives the game, only because there is a sequel coming out this March, Ready or Not: Here I Come. Yes, that is the name. If you watch the first movie, you will see this is just a gory comedy. There are suspenseful parts, but with the hilarious lines written for them, the actors bring the characters to life comedically. This is easily one of the funniest horror films I’ve watched without it trying to spoof or parody another film.
ACTING: 10/10
STORY: 9/10
GORE: 9/10
OVERALL: 9.5/10
The Stranger’s Chapter 1 (2024)
This film is part one, obviously, of a three-part movie series. I was a huge fan of the 2008 original because of the chilling reason why the killers attacked that couple, “Because you were home.” A case of right place but wrong time. My first question was, why did they need to draw it out into three movies? My theory is that the actress Madelaine Petsch, who plays Maya, is phenomenal at crying; they needed to milk this skill of hers. When I watched this movie for the first time, even knowing the entire premise of the story, if they were sticking to the original movie, it was heartbreaking to watch a couple experience a tragedy like this together. Whereas most of the other movies on the list have some comedic element added to them, lightening up the darkness of the movies. This one was raw, especially thanks to the acting of Miss Petsch and her co-star, Froy Gutierrez, playing her partner. Also, he was some nice eye candy for the girlies.
This remake feels very modern, but not overly modern. For example, the couple had some traveling errors and landed themselves in an Airbnb that seems to be secluded in the woods. The guy needed to go to the store for something and left Maya at the cabin alone. She lights herself up a joint and starts relaxing, but then, like any normal person smoking in the woods, she starts to get paranoid. Only it’s not the smoke making her feel eerie, it's the three masked strangers terrorizing her inside and outside the cabin. I highly suggest watching the movie, as well as Chapter 2, because Chapter 3 just dropped yesterday, February 6, 2026. Y’all know I’m currently on my way there right now to watch how they close this final chapter to this, in my opinion, well-done remake.
ACTING: 9/10
STORY: 7/10
GORE:8/10
OVERALL: 8/10
Heart Eyes (2025)
If y’all already didn’t go see this last Valentine’s Day in theatres alone with no date as I did, then it’s definitely time to watch it this year, date or not. This film stars Olivia Holt from Disney Channel's Kickin’ It, Mason Gooding from the Scream Franchise, and Jordana Brewster from the Fast & Furious franchise. We have another film that cleverly ties in comedy with horror. What makes this slasher cutesy and cool is its brand. Their mask has heart eyes that glow red, doubling as night vision. The main weapon is a bow that looks like it came from a Cursed Cupid, and all their other weapons have some sort of heart implemented into them. This killer specifically only goes after lovey-dovey happy couples. On Valentine's night, the night when the killer has a buffet of victims to choose from, he spots Ally and Jay, who actually aren’t a couple. However, Ally goes and kisses Jay when her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend approach them. The killer sees this kiss from afar; the electric spark those two had during that unprompted kiss made the killer set their target on them. Now Jay and Ally have to outrun a psychopath who has a fetish for love.
The opening kill scene for this movie is pretty funny and gory, but the two people they cast to play the people who die first were meh, so don’t judge the movie based on the acting in the first seven minutes. I think it was supposed to be bad on purpose, given the context. The Heart Eyes Killer disrupts an elegant proposal that seemed as if the girl put her man up to it, especially because she was mouthing the monologue before the “will you marry me.” That part was funny, which has me believing the intro was supposed to be preposterous. Honestly, there are so many deaths in this movie, an absurd amount. Don’t go in watching this movie thinking it’s going to be scary because you will be disappointed. However, that’s why you’re reading this review first, so you know this is supposed to be a silly goose of a movie for the joy of having a tacky slasher for a cheesy holiday.
ACTING: 9/10
STORY: 7/10
GORE: 9/10
OVERALL: 8.5/10 (BUT ON VALENTINE'S DAY 10/10)
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