The Only Certainty is Change.
The point is to find someone who will want to discover you throughout your whole life.
I believe that the key to building a relationship is for you to be genuinely interested in someone, and for them to be interested in you.
We often wonder, when looking at other couples, how can they live together, since at first glance, they do not seem to match one another at all and come from vastly different worlds. Well, they may have a genuine curiosity about each other’s lives and an acceptance that they will change anyway.
We will not stay the same way our whole lives. Think back to who you were two or three years ago. Notice how your plans for the future, your priorities, your preferences, and your values have evolved from then. Things that did not bother you before might become boundaries you do not want to cross. You need to find someone who is willing to keep up with these changes and who wants to learn about you constantly. In return, you should be willing to do the same for them.
The beginning of a relationship is the easiest part because it is the most intense. That is when we are fascinated by the other person, why we chase after them, and when we desire them. That is when they are still a mystery to us; we easily create an idealized version of them in our minds, attributing traits they do not actually have to bring them closer to the idea we have formed of what they are like. Then the bubble bursts because it turns out they actually have qualities unacceptable to us.
You have to recognize the difference between someone being fascinated by you and someone being fascinated by their version of you, because sooner or later, those expectations will undoubtedly collide with reality. You will never feel good about being yourself. In their eyes, you are supposed to play the perfect role they have chosen for you, because otherwise, they will blame you for not having the characteristics they imagined you had.
And you will feel inadequate.
Of course, at the start of a relationship, we all want to come across as the most interesting and easygoing person possible, so we can show our best side and make a good first impression. We do not talk about our failures or flaws at that point, but we obviously know we have them. Over time, these things will start to come up in your daily life and conversations, and there will be moments when you need support and when things do not go exactly as they should.
If someone only wants you on a superficial level, they will not want to know about these aspects because it will shatter the picture they have built of you. They will stay on the surface rather than go deeper and deeper.
Remember that the deeper you go, the harder it gets, because we all have moments when we are hard to deal with. And in those moments, you will see the other person for who they really are. It is not that they will be toxic; rather, when financial problems, work issues, exhaustion, fear of the future, stress from moving, or pressure from organizing events together come up, you will see them in a different light. The closer you are to this person, the less blurred that picture will be.
The excitement of novelty will fade, routine will take over, and you will no longer eagerly await your next meeting, since you live together every day. At this point, that curiosity must continue, as a consequence of consciously choosing each other. Often, when we achieve stability and security, we stop being curious. We assure that we already know this person, as if they were a finished product rather than a human being who is constantly evolving, working through things, and changing with age and experience. We fail to keep up with who they are becoming, with their desires and needs, so we get frustrated as we grow apart and cannot find common ground. As if we have become strangers to each other.
The truth is, you do not even fully know yourself yet, since you have not encountered many scenarios.
You can predict how you will behave or react, but ultimately, in new situations, we always discover a new side of our personality. We are never fully formed. The only certainty is change.
With each passing day, you will actually discover more and more about who your partner is, about their traits that reveal themselves in certain contexts, and about how they behave in intimate interactions. You will actually be watching yourselves in moments of joy, anxiety, and unpredictability. I think it is intriguing when you go deeper into your inner self and suddenly start ot notice what drives your behavior and how you react to experiences. The same goes for how you interact with your partner, because if we accept our own change as natural, why do we expect the other person to stay the same?
You can be good together, but in reality, you are just existing next to each other.
You can listen to each other, but not ask questions. Ask questions, but do not remember what you said to each other. See, but do not notice or react to what you feel or how you behave. In a partnership, you see only an excuse to be noticed, to fulfill your own expectations, and to modify someone to fit your needs.
Meanwhile, right from the start, your beautiful declarations must be accompanied by actions that confirm you both share a sincere desire to learn about each other continually.
Because if, from the very beginning, you have had to convince them that you are interesting enough to spark their curiosity, do you really believe that, out of all the people in the world, this one is for you?
Thank you to my boyfriend, Umer, for loving me the way that you do. I hope we always stay curious about each other.
With love,
Kierstyn
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