Trending How: Growing?
- Lauren
- Apr 14
- 12 min read
A little over a year ago, I wrote a blog, 'I love Love,' where I wrote about my experiences with love, whether it's platonic, romantic, familial, etc. And honestly, it was a little ironic because I had just gone through a breakup, and right after, I lost a lot of people who were very close to me.
So while I talked so much about love, I was acting in such a way that one might've thought that post was a lie. I can guarantee that nothing I said was a lie. I am an imperfect person, but I don't lie. But within this past year, I have gone through many changes as a person, wanting to be better than who I was then, trying to make good on the things I promised.
While 'I love Love' was more externalized and directed toward the world, I have tried to turn my love more inward. Love for my passions, my people, my life, myself, and yes, I know "my people" is still about other people, but hopefully you'll see what I mean.
With this, and my college career coming to an end very soon, I've been reflecting a lot, as I tend to do, and I'd like to share some of my reflections with you. (This is long and personal, so if that does not interest you, I won't be offended if you scroll)
The last 365 days have been so incredibly hard, and simultaneously, so educational. In therapy, I was asked: if I could talk to early-2025 Lauren, what would I say? And I was stuck.
Part of me wants to be able to go back and tell them everything that happens if they keep going down the path, they're on, to tell them before they do it, so I could've stopped. To somehow throw a rock in the whirlpool, trying to stop the spiral. And maybe it would work.
Or, at the very least, if I couldn't stop it, then to change how I find out what happened on the nights they don't remember, so just maybe they can get more information than I have, and the opportunity that I didn't get, to change how everything happened.
The other part of me doesn't know if I should stop it. I don't know if I would've done the work I have now if it hadn't happened. I look at my life and myself now, and I can't imagine who I would be if I hadn't messed up in the ways I did. If I didn't have to rebuild.
Genuinely, I do like my life now. No, it's not perfect, and there are always things I want to be different or to be more, but I know that I'm healthier, happier, and growing. I have ambitions and goals, and that's not going to change, but I'm on a path that will get me to who and where I want to be.
I wish that no one ever got hurt while on this path. No ifs, ands, or buts. It is my biggest regret and fear. Hurting others and getting hurt myself. I've been told that this is when the most learning and growth happens, in the aftermath of hurt, but God, I wish that wasn't the case.
was this fated to happen?
This event did cause me to learn so much, though, and like I said, I most likely would not be who/where I am now if I didn't make mistakes.
Would anyone be?
Another huge factor in a lot of my growth has been being single. I have been single for over a year, for the first time in my life (since 8th grade, I'm hyperbolizing to an extent— but it was easily a 4th of my life, and most of my conscious life, so really, am I exaggerating?).
I was naive when I wrote the last blog, having been single for what... about a month? Maybe less. I thought I had learned what I needed to in that time. I didn't know anything. I knew I wanted to keep being single, which was a start, but I didn't actually know what being by myself was really like. Especially not knowing how to handle not having something or someone to replace/fill the spot in my life that had seemingly always been there, like a gap in my teeth, just waiting and wanting. And honestly, I still don't fully know how. But hey, at least I can recognize that now, right?
You grow in ways you really can't when there's someone else always there. I didn't believe this for a while because, having been in a 5-year relationship, I thought I was more mature. That I learned how to grow on my own and together, but I was like a vine, not living without the constant support. We were both ivies growing on each other's houses. Leaving that relationship almost instantly taught me more, but I wasn't done, clearly. The universe must've not been happy with how I was picking and choosing what lessons to fully take away, so it hit me over the head a couple more times until it finally stuck.
Genuinely, I got two tarot readings in the first few months of 2025 saying eerily similar messages. The first, I believe, was done in January, and it told me to leave. That there was more waiting for me if I learned to really value myself, that I deserved better. And the second was a harsher reminder... Done by my now-friend, but at the time, a girl I was just meeting for the first time, told me to stop in my tracks. It was a slap in the face how she was able to describe the situation I was falling into, and that if I want to get what I deserve, I need to not fall into this pattern again.
What really amazes me is that she had no idea what she was talking about. We had briefly met at a mutual friend's party years earlier, but we had maybe spoken two words to each other before this interaction, neither of us remembered the other until a couple of hangouts later. Similar situation with the first reading, we were friends, but more friends of friends, she had no idea what I was dealing with, and yet she was able to deliver me a message that rocked me to my core. I don't fully know how deeply I believe in the supernatural and the universe, but when it wants to reach me, it is uncanny.
In my year and a handful of months of being single, I have grown addicted to it. For better or for worse.
Of course, sometimes I miss being in a relationship, having my person, and all of the things that come along with it, but when I really try to think about what it would look like... I can't imagine being back in that place, not now at least. I want the good and fun parts, but I don't want to commit myself to someone like that. I don't think I can.
I look back at my old relationships, and it is like another world. Sure, there are times when I find myself missing these worlds and times, seeing screenshots of sweet messages and memories pop up in my photos, thinking of what could have been, how things were at times, but then I look around me.
I'm brought back to this world where I get reminded of reality, where no, actually it couldn't have been, and it wasn't. Relationships require so much work, and as a person, I am very all-or-nothing, and this goes for my [typically romantic] relationships too, which is just exhausting. Back then, I was addicted to the highs and lows I experienced. The whiplash from one day or week of good after a few bad or just... off, kept me pulled into the seemingly eternal chase. I don't want to chase you if you say you're mine.
I don't mean to talk badly about anyone or anything. Have my past experiences turned me off relationships for a while? Yes. But I don't regret anything. Truly. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Love given is never a waste. As maybe not great as they ended, I don't harbor any hate, maybe at one point I did, but there's no point for it anymore. I loved you, and I chose to respect that version of myself.
Now I have better things to put my energy and time into, things and people who are more suited to who I am now, and a love interest is not that. I even try to fantasize about my future partner, what they might look like, be like, how I'd want that relationship to be, and I just can't.
I don't think I'm closed off to it, but I just have more growing to do alone first, and when it's the right time/person, it'll be so glaringly obvious and hit me over the head. Not to say that the next one will be the one, but they may be what I need at that time.
I do think I believe in the one, though. I grew up on enough books and media, and ngl, watching my parents. I think there are people who are meant to be in your life and events that are meant to happen. One day I'll find them, but I'm having too much fun right now. I'm in no rush.
Time has also been on my mind a lot recently. I'm moving at the beginning of May, and graduating super soon after that, and I can't help but feel like I'm running out of time.
Logically, I know that I'm not. I'm still only 21. I'm entering a new period of change, but the past few years have been nothing but change, and the next few will follow suit, I'm sure. I rarely want change to happen, but she will come whenever she wants to, regardless of what I have to say about it. Like I said, the universe is very firm in its decisions and messages, a fickle force that one is.
But honestly, I don't really know what I'm even afraid of. I'm very secure in the majority of my relationships, and while they might look a little different, it'll only be on the surface. I'm all-or-nothing, if I'm all in, I'm all in for you. I don't care where we are living, you are getting 20+ posts sent to you whether you like it or not (you love it, don't lie).
I am super excited to not be in school for a bit. I plan on taking a gap year before going to law school, and I'm so excited. Sure, I'll have to take the LSAT and be applying to schools in that time, but other than that, it's all work and play!!
I will miss UIC, though. I've loved it more than I ever expected to. I have met amazing people who have changed my life. Even those whom I don't talk to anymore, I love you and how you've changed my life and me.
UIC Radio is also another big one. I joined UIC Radio weeks into my freshman year and have stuck with it since. I've met wonderful people, including one of my best friends, indoctrinated many people, and gotten opportunities I had never considered. I had the opportunity to be on the Executive Board for two years, and I loved it. When I started, there were maybe 5 other bloggers, and in my two terms, I saw that number octuple. WHICH IS INSANE AND HAS MADE ME SO SO SO HAPPY!!! Blogging has really been a passion of mine, whether I'm reflecting, doing press, or writing about trends and fashion. Seeing other people find it and love it as much as I do has been one of the biggest blessings. The community found in UIC Radio goes very far, and has taken me very far, but the opportunities and station itself have been the world.
UIC has also taught me how to make a complete fool of myself, and I am so thankful for it. I've made a fool of myself for UIC Radio so many times (perks of being on E-board), and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I also spent quite some time working at the ARC Starbucks, which was a time and a half. Again, I loved making a fool out of myself there. I met some of my other close friends, and even my roommate there, who I love so much, and it was such an experience. It was also my first real job and definitely taught me a lot, like my love of coffee, ig... and other more important things. Plus, I got to flex about being a supervisor for such a high-volume store!
The people I met because of UIC in general also taught me to be comfortable with embarrassing myself. To be cringe is to be free, or whatever people say. Some of my old close friends showed me it was ok and it was something I really admired about them. The ability to truly be yourself with no/little restriction or care for what others think.
It is an ability that I really want to take with me in life as I keep growing up.
As I mentioned in the introduction, this blog is very internally focused, or at least I tried to be. It's me-focused, maybe self-obsessed, but I'm ok with that.
Looking inward and focusing on myself has been something I've been working on for a very long time. I think it comes more easily with being single. But in high school, I used to be a chronic people-pleaser and had relationships where it really felt like I couldn't even consider myself. Other people had bigger problems that I wanted to help them with, carry the load, and I didn't pay attention to my own problems. I wanted/needed to be the easy child, liked by everyone, to keep everyone in my life, no matter what. When I looked at myself, it was in a way where I asked myself how I could be more like someone else, more for someone else, and asking myself why I wasn't like that.
College has helped me not to be like that anymore, or at least to be better about it. Being able to be noticed, to be loud, to make a fool out of myself and not care too much, to admit I'm good at things, even to be in the spotlight at times (RIP my show, In the Spotlight), and love it.
There was a movie I was shown around the end of 2024, or maybe the beginning of 2025, I'm not totally sure, but it really inspired me to be myself as much as I can be. Ruby Sparks, about a writer who creates the girl of his dreams, she quite literally pops off the page. The main issue is that she is essentially too much of what he wants, so he keeps trying to edit her to get it just right, but having flaws is more perfect than being exactly what you think someone wants you to be. It really hit home for me, and I decided not to try to bury things or be what I think people want and allow them to fully experience me. I was in a relationship at the time, which ended soon after, but I think that kind of illuminated the message I felt even more. (The situation was more nuanced than this, but) The right people stay when you give them your full self.
I'm not even going to lie, I think about myself a lot, but for me, it's been healthier than only thinking of others. I'm typically pretty satisfied with how I look, and I do tend to look at my reflection or pictures a lot, but it is better than when I would delete almost every photo of myself. The things I do are because I want to: how I dress, what I do with my hair, my passions and ambitions, I want them. And being able to say that makes me so happy. (Obviously, I will always still do things for other people and compromise. If you need me, I am there, I don't care who you are. Don't misunderstand me.) And I will keep thinking about myself if it allows me to know, like, understand, and be more myself.
I have grown a lot here, over years of work, and I'm still not totally where I want to be. I think about what people think of me a lot. But I will get there, eventually.
I'm still better than I was.
The original title for this blog was going to be 'Love', but the more I wrote, the more I realized it wasn't really about Love.
Love has absolutely been something I've been learning about in the past year, especially when it comes to losing love, and I think even that has made me love the people in my life more and want to show it more. But I've learned about so much more besides just love (if there even is a thing as just love). The theme has been learning and growing itself.
And I am so happy with where and who I am today. I am back in therapy and have been for about a year. I finally got diagnosed with ADHD, so I can get the help I need for it. I am taking the LSAT this year, and I promise I will do well. I am getting more into the Chicago Fashion scene, like I've wanted for years. I work at a cafe downtown that isn't Starbucks. I love my friends. I'm graduating from college; a feat I wasn't sure I'd be around to see. I can confidently say I am happy, and I am excited to see where life takes me and who/where I'll be in the next 4 years.
As this chapter of my life comes to a close, I am excited, and scared, to keep growing. The season finale is approaching, and next season will bring new obstacles and adventures. But there's always another season!
"But I made a pact with someone to grow and keep bettering myself, and I hope I keep growing." - 'I love Love'
Thank you so much for reading, if you've gotten this far!
I want to get out as many blogs as I can before I graduate, so hopefully I'll have something for you next week too!
Also, you should totally check out my Substack as I want to keep publishing my blogs on there! I'll be filling it up with some old works, but also some new ones.
I've linked some songs from one of my playlists, and you should totally check it out!
It's a playlist I made a couple of years ago when it was spring, and I was falling in love. I haven't been able to listen to it pretty much since then, but I find myself coming back to it now. (The songs I chose to put in, to some extent, relate to what I was writing about, or were playing when I was writing.)
It's spring, and I'm falling in love with everything and everyone.
-Thank you,
I really love you <3
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