you'll be better if you let it go.
For as long as I can remember I've always had two very strong feelings: detachment and anger. I can't explain it very well, but I used to get so angry about something and hold onto that anger until it consumed me. This would, in some roundabout way, cause me to become detached from so many people or situations I was going through.
In high school where friendship breaks and relationship breakups were happening all around me, a word that my friends and I would use a lot was "closure." Now, I'm going to be honest, I never really believed in closure. In my head if someone did something that hurt you, other than apologizing there is honestly little they can say that would rectify the situation. My friends would go looking for "closure" in their breakups, only to still be hurt after they've received the "closure" they fought so hard to get. I've always been an "Oh well, one less person in my life" kind of girl, until it was my turn to beg for closure.
After every conversation, text message, and phone call I found myself becoming numb. My need for "closure" was like a drug, I knew I didn't really need it but I kept telling myself "This is the last time" until I would fall right back where I started: hurt and just as confused as I was before. This frustrated me more than you can imagine. Why did I still care? Why did I let someone have such strong control over my emotions? Why can't I walk away? These questions quickly turned my sadness into anger which eventually led to resentment. I was so bitter and hurt that even the mention of the situation would have me bursting into a fit of rage. Let me tell you, I BEAT this dead horse into ashes from how much I would talk about it with my friends. I always considered my anger justified because the breakup was horrible and it left me feeling like a shell of myself. I had to learn on my own, that for every time I would bring it up I was inadvertently reopening my wounds.
We've heard it said everywhere that we should "forgive and forget." We are constanly told in hundreds of different ways to "move on," but how do you move on from a situation that moved before you were ready? How do you not only physically but emotionally walk away from a situation that left you numb? It's easy (somewhat) to forgive or forget, but to do both at the same time is significantly more difficult. So, what do you do?
My very honest and raw advice (as someone who has harbored rage and resentment for more than a full calendar year) is: Let yourself feel all of the emotions. You are upset for a reason and you need to be able to experience this sadness as the first step, but it should not stop here. If you find yourself constantly thinking or complaining about a situation ask yourself why. What exactly about this situation can you not let go of? Is it the person? Is it the frustration you feel because you didn't get a say? Connect with your thoughts and validate yourself. Whenever my friends are ranting about a situation where they were wronged I always remind them that they are valid in why they feel this way. Someone disrespected you and you did not deserve that, simple.
The next step isn't as easy and you're going to roll your eyes but TRUST me (because I have credibility in this) when I say: you will have to let it go. The thing about closure is that everyone expects it to be this neat little bow that wraps everything together, but in a situation where you were hurt this is harder to achieve. A thing that I think we all need to keep in mind is that closure is not only a conversation between two people. I'll put it simply: The closure we seek is a myth. True closure, I believe, has to come from within. Let's continue to use myself as an example (yay)!
After every conversation I had while seeking "closure," I would still feel this pit in my stomach. There truly was nothing that could have been said that would have made me feel better about the situation because it could never erase what was done. I'd find myself forcing smiles and accepting half-hearted apologies because I thought this was what I needed in order to close this chapter, even if it left me feeling sick to my stomach. I had become so emotionally detached that I thought I was over it, but the pit in my stomach would remain constant. If you relate to this in any capacity I have one thing to say: Forgive them. Not because they deserve your forgiveness, but because YOU do in order to fully move on. I saw a #staywoke TikTok, and it said, "You're reposting heartbreak quotes while he's reposting absolutely nothing because he's too busy living his life." Now, my job here isn't to point fingers, but this is a pretty good quote. Whatever situation you are finding difficulty letting go of (breakup, friend betraying you, being let down, etc.) harboring anger and resentment is really doing you more harm than the person who hurt you. I know everyone says this and I HATE to keep repeating myself but TRUST me when I say that being bitter has more of an effect on you than it does them.
You may lie awake at night wondering why their life is going so great after they hurt you, but honestly who is to say that they have it all? You may only be seeing a fraction of what they are going through. I love to play devil's advocate though so let's assume that they actually are living a great life with no consequences, my answer remains the same: who cares? There is something very beautiful about being completely detached from a situation. They may be living their best life or their worst, but none of that concerns you anymore and I don't mean this in a bad way.
None of this will happen overnight (it's imperative that you know this) but the best closure you can get from a situation is eventually feeling nothing towards the situation at all. No anger, no sadness, no resentment. I think it is crazy that someone can hurt you deeply then turn around and have the best day ever, but you can't control what they do. You can only control how you choose to move forward from the situation.
Growth and healing are not linear. Somedays may be harder than others, and you may find yourself back at square zero time and time again and that's okay. This is YOUR life! You are allowed to move on at your own pace, and don't let ANYBODY force you to speed up your healing journey or tell you how you should be feeling. You are doing this for yourself not for other people's approval, and certainly not in order to win back the person who caused you this pain.
My friends and I love to say "This is somebody's life by the way" and it's true. This is YOUR life. I know it's hard, but do not let other people's words and actions dictate your life and define you. It may seem far but one day you will be able to fully move on from the situation. Growth is not linear, and this is a beautiful thing!
Thank you guys SO much for reading this week's blog. I hope you guys have a great rest of your week and remember to be kind to yourselves. Allow yourself to feel hurt, but do not stay down because you are so much more than the hurt you feel now.
With Love Always,
~ Side Note xoxo 💋 !!
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