500 Days of Avoiding Emotional Commitment

Over the past couple weeks I've had a lot of conversations and have spent a lot of time thinking about relationships and connections. A phrase that I have been hearing a lot is "the one in love always wins" and I think this is a beautiful phrase, but what if falling in love doesn't come easy for someone? What if someone has closed off their heart to falling in love because they've been burned out? In this case, do they automatically lose?

These questions reminded me of the movie 500 Days of Summer and so I decided that it was time that I rewatched it. I remember the first time that I watched this movie I thought that both Tom and Summer were (for the most part) equally at fault for how that relationship ended. After watching it again my thoughts remain basically the same, but I started to notice and understand their dynamic in a different way. I could really sit here and dissect the whole movie but that isn't the point of this week's blog so I'll keep it short. I've seen a lot of videos of people saying that they relate to Summer in how she was able to keep herself emotionally detached from Tom and never wanted to fully commit to him. On the other hand, people relate to Tom in the sense that they find themselves in realtionships where they obviously like the other person more. Now, I think a lot of people automatically put the blame on Summer but I don't agree with this. I think it is totally possible to like someone and want to be with them but be scared of what that would look in terms of emotional commitment. Summer was very upfront from the beginning about how she felt about love and I personally think that Tom went into the relationship hoping to change her when it was clear that he couldn't. I could talk about this for hours but I'm forcing myself to move on.

Not to expose myself in any way lol but I've had a lot of crushes within my 19 years of living, some of them more serious than others. I've been in situations where I relate more to Tom, but I've also been in situations where I relate a lot more to Summer. A lot of people (my friends specifically) have differing opinions when it comes to this, but I believe that sometimes being a Tom and experiencing the pain of wanting someone more than they want you causes you to become a Summer. To tie this back to the original question of this blog: Does fear of emotional commitment mean you automatically lose when it comes to love? My answer is no and yes. I think it's a little funny to write about a question that I don't have a definite answer to but that is my genuine response. I believe that finding it difficult to fully open yourself up and commit to a person is a very real feeling to have. This fear though doesn't mean that you are "losing". The fact that we as humans are capable of expressing love in any capacity is truly a beautiful thing that I think we need to give ourselves credit for more often. At the end of 500 Days of Summer when Tom asked Summer why she changed her view on relationships Summer said, "I just woke up one day and I knew. What I was never sure of with you." Just because a person may be interested in you doesn't mean you have to automatically be interested back, and this also does not mean that you "lost" simply because you were not the one in love.

On the other hand I would say that to some lesser degree yes, having a fear of commitment can in some ways be a loss in terms of love. This fear, while it makes you feel safe and protected, keeps you from potentionally experiencing something great. It is very easy to go through the motions of a relationship without actually feeling anything, but then you never actually feel anything and I would say that you are missing out. Something that I've had to learn is that sometimes playing it safe isn't always playing it right. I know just as much if not more than the next person about not really wanting to commit or as Summer said "Be anybody's anything". In this generation specifically it can be very hard to trust people's true intentions, which makes guarding your heart feel like the only option. With this fear though you then potentially miss out on meeting someone who when you are with them you "just know." I can honestly argue both sides of this point in circles all day.

From what I've gathered on social media, the feeling of being emotionally avoidant when it comes to relationships seems to be something that people are sharing. Do I believe that Summer maybe shouldn't have been as involved with Tom as she was if she knew deep down she didn't want to truly be with him? Yes I do, but I also completely understand liking a person and wanting to be with them without the labels and pressure of truly being with them. Now to tie it all back to the quote in the beginning "The one in love always wins." It may not be an immediate physical type of win, but I personally think that having the emotional capacity to allow another person into your heart while giving them yours is an accomplishment on its own because it's not an easy thing to do.

I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your week! You guys should all watch 500 Days of Summer (unless it is a particularly tough subject in which case I apologize😬...).

With love always,

~Side Note xoxo !! 💋