Calculus II, Call Your Uber

This week, I almost died taking my Calculus II test.

Let me set the scene.

For weeks, I prepared the way any normal student would. I did the practice problems, and I reviewed the old exams. I was reassured (lied to) by students who had survived this test last semester that "the tests are JUST like the old exams." Hell is hot guys because that was a sick joke. I studied just like normal...

Tell me why I open her up and that first problem started casting spells at me. That wasn't the old exam, that was genuinely her half-eaten twin from the womb. This test wasn't just mathematically different from the old ones, but spiritually different. I stared at one integral for so long I just looked up and made eye contact with my TA who just started laughing.

The BEST PART? It wasn't just me. You know it's bad when after an exam everyone just walks out in silence. No one's debating answers, no one's giving reassurances. It's just a collective stare like we all just saw something we weren't meant to see, something evil. When I was walking out, some student said "who were they feeling like" talking about the professors and honestly, that was the most accurate summary of the test.

What hurts more about this exam was the expectation gap. When you prepare for one thing, then get something completely different, that messes with your head. I feel like pre-med culture trains you to believe that effort equals outcome. If you study hard enough, organize well enough, sacrifice enough sleep, then you'll be fine. But despite preparation, things don't always go the way you expect. Profound, I know.

Did I leave the room feeling enlightened? Hell no. I left feeling like my professor just beat me up. However, after a short and reflective break (a run for matcha and Taco Bell) I remembered something important. An exam doesn't define competence (even though it highkey feels that way). It doesn't erase your practice. And it doesn't cancel your purpose.

It just makes you wanna die a little. So, my update for this week: sometimes the test is stupid hard, sometimes it's not what you were promised. Sometimes you wanna throw things at your professor, withdraw from the class, and switch your major.

But you survive anyway.

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