choose your friends wisely...even if you've already chosen them.
I've been having a lot of conversations lately with my friend Kiera about friendships, growing apart, and reevaluating relationships in our lives. There is a phrase that Kiera uses a lot and that is "taking space." She LOVES to say "I need to take space" or "I took space away from them" and I kind of make fun of her whenever she says it, but she definitely has it right.
Since I was in high school my mom has always told me to constantly evaluate my friendships and make sure I'm making connections that are meaningful. In high school I didn't care too much about who I kept in my circle. I came from an incredibly small high school where everybody knew your business so this made it hard to pick and choose who I surrounded myself with. I've always been the kind of person to value every connection I've made with someone whether it be big or small. While I think this is beautiful, more often than I'd like to admit it's caused me to receive the short end of the stick.
Since I went through major periods of growth with the people I knew in high school, I always overlooked certain things they would say or do that didn't align with me. I'd sit through comments that made me uncomfortable, put up with friendships where I obviously cared about them more than they did me, and "jokes" that made me look at myself differently, simply because if I stopped being friends with these people, I'd ultimately end up having no friends since our school was so small. While this was an extremely passive way to live, it was my mentality all throughout high school. Fast forward to now in college, and I still find myself rolling my eyes at the "friendships" I've fought so hard to keep.
I believe that the term "friend" holds weight. A friend is someone I can count on, someone who considers me, and someone who I know has my best interest at heart. In certain "friendships" I've had, I found myself constantly irritated with how they would treat me. I would always have to forgive them for certain comments they'd make. Over and over and over again. It took me (finally) removing myself from that environment to realize: that is not at all how a true friend should/would treat somebody. Your friend wouldn't laugh at your pain in situations they know hurt you. A friend wouldn't make comments to put you down. A friend wouldn't be inconsiderate of your feelings. A friend wouldn't make you constantly feel small.
I think so many people find themselves in passive friendships without even realizing. Not every single friendship that you have has to be life changing, but I believe that friendships should mean something. In one of my previous blogs I wrote about how we should stop making excuses for people's behavior, and this applies to our friendships as well.
You shouldn't be constantly ready to defend or make excuses for a connection that isn't serving you, especially if that person wouldn't do the same for you. You also shouldn't continue to let someone into your inner circle if they aren't treating you well just because you've known them since you were 15. I know this, and yet it's so much easier said than done. It can be hard to have these uncomfortable conversations with your friends, but I think brief discomfort is better than the long term discomfort of receiving treatment you know you shouldn't have to put up with.
When it comes to making new friends I'm quick to cut a connection off if we don't align in certain areas, if they aren't fully genuine, or if I can tell they don't have my best interest at heart. When it comes to my older friendships, I struggle with this a lot. We are at a point in our lives where we shouldn't just be cruising through our friendships. There is nothing wrong with taking space away from a connection if you aren't being valued. Not everyone you meet in life has to be your friend forever (but remember this doesn't automatically make them your "enemy" either).
Taking space can have many forms. It can be a conversation that you guys have where you both agree to step away from the friendship, it can be you simply stating that you deserve more respect than they are giving you, and honestly it could even be just going ghost and taking time for yourself. You owe it to yourself to be surrounded by people who consider you and won't leave you questioning whether or not they truly care about you. Do not be passive in your friendships.
Happy Thursday everybody! I hope you all had a fantastic week and go on to have a wonderful weekend! Remember: Do what is best for you and go where you are appreciated, not where you are merely tolerated. That is the best advice I could give you.
With Love ALWAYS,
~ Side Note xoxo 💋!!
Yes! Not every friendship is meant to last forever but each one does teach you something in the long run.