Definite, Absolute, Objective, Factual: The Official Ranking of the Letters of the Alphabet.

This is my cousin. He doesn't have a name, and he doesn't need one. Please don't be mean to him, he's but a child basking in the ancient love of the sun's light. We will always have each other in this crazy, crazy world. I'm putting him here because there's a little guy who keeps trying to emerge from his forehead. What to do about this?

Just a quick disclaimer before we get into it: I hate disclaimers. Booyah! Let's go!

26) Cc

This letter is krap. I don't even want to use it. My starting word in Wordle is "Reach," and the c never gives me any useful info. Couldn't even be an entire O. It looks like someone took a big ole' bite out of it. I know, starting from now on, let's call C "Mr. bitten". That way, it can remember the gross, weird hole it has that looks like someone took a big ole' bite out of it.  

25) Aa

I need A like I need vitamin A; I don't. A has a bad attitude. A is arrogant and thinks everything is about it. When A was playing inside linebacker for the 2008 San Francisco 49ers, Mike Singletary said it best: "Cannot play with them [A], cannot win with them [A], cannot coach with them [A]. Can't do it. I want winners." Also, Billie Eilish said it second best when in her smash hit song when she said "... a bad…".

24) Pp

Don't let P talk to your kids, it's gonna get them started gambling on cs: GO lotto. That's the type of character we're dealing with, a real piece of frickin' piece of work. Also, stay away from "phone", ok? It's not cool to take other people's jobs. If you want to play that game, X can come in here and do your job ten times better, and it wouldn't even be a big deal. Just kinda like "hmm… whatever! When did you say kielbasa was being served, Monty, my T-rex butler?" That's X's life, and you're lower than dirt, P. Stay in your place. 

23) Zz

Honk, mi mi mi. Honk, mi mi mi. Honk, mi mi mi. What? What's that? It looks like N rolls in its sleep because there is no way that's a different letter.

22) Ss

You will notice generally that letters like S, whose lowercase is just the bigger version but smaller, are lower on the list. It's just kind of lazy, and if the upper case design didn't do it for me anyway, there's no way the lower case will. When I look at S, I just think, man, I wish it wasn't all twisty. I'm just trying to read here, not go on a flipping adventure. You're telling me I need to take a long winding road just to figure out that there are multiple of something? No, thank you!

21) Vv

V is just half of W. The only reason it isn't last is because it looks JUST like a bird who's flying off in the distance.

20) Ll

Capitol L is ok, but the lowercase is so bad, so devoid of any imagination, that L must be this low. l. Look at that, LAME! When I look (btw that's another problem. lI. Those are two different letters. could you tell, i can't!) at l, I just think, man i wish it wasn't all straight. Have some imagination! Take me on a journey! Let's have a flipping adventure!

19) Nn

N is just three-fourths of W. This is why it is ranked where it is. If that's a problem, if that's a problem, if that's a problem. 

18) Bb

B is great! I think it's fun! Wait, what's this? A sudden gust of wind?? Oh no, B is getting blown away. WOAH NO WAY! B's hat blew away, and now it looks like B. That's a shame. Less great.

17) Ww

W is just M upside down, although it mostly works as a kind of avant-garde statement on society. It also looks just like two birds flying off in the distance

16) Tt 

We're starting to get into the letters I actually like now. T is cool, so is t, but it doesn't necessarily wow me like some of the letters coming up on this list. 

15) Uu

This is an average, run-of-the-mill, first one in last one out, hardworking, lunch pail, blue-collar, American letter. The type to help itself, gosh damnit!

14) Ff

F has three right angles. How many right angles do YOU have? I'll wait.

13) Rr

R is one of the more complicated designs that is used to great effect. It has a clear progression from lowercase to uppercase, and the tail is a nice touch.

12) Yy

Y is holding itself back. Easily, Y could take over many words. For example, the word "why" could just be "Y", but because Y doesn't believe in itself, it just gets pushed around. Once Y learns that the secret to prosperity has been right under its nose this whole time, I can't rank it any higher than 12.

11) Ii

While I did yell at lowercase L for looking just like capital i, In the case of I, it just works. It's simple but poignant. The younger, lowercase i has a gap in its being. As it grows into an uppercase, it matures and fills that hole. Poetry. I am, however, unfortunately, a little pretentious and self-centered. If you can separate the art from the artist, this is one fantastic letter.

10) Mm

Mmmmmmm. Mmm Mm Mmm mmM Mm M M mmmM mmmmm. M m M mM mM m m m m MMMMMmmmmm. Good.

9) Hh

Definitely the best team player of any letter, H literally looks like a bridge. Like a bridge, it unlocks new areas of speech. Without H, we wouldn't have unlocked cool sounds like "ch", "th", and "sh". I just wish it was a little stronger on its own, but overall great job H!

8) Kk

Chic, slick, forward-thinking. We got diagonals for days here. K is krazy, young, and a little wild, but undeniably enthralling. A perpendicular line on a slant? How do you come up with this stuff? It would be higher if there was a little more substance to go with that style, as k sonically often overlaps with c (the rat bastard). If it were up to me, stack, tack, and whack would be stak, tak, and we wouldn't use that last word anymore because it's too crazy and has a bad attitude and is ungrateful. Let's get a K revolution in this place, people!

7) Jj

Undeniably, the most fun letter to slide down, J is cool. Chronically underused, J doesn't let that jilt its vibe. It does the cool dot thing that i does, but better. Because it does, in fact, have a curve and a descender.

6) Oo

oooOOOOOOoooOOOOOoooOOOOoooOOO. spooky stuff, but don't be too frightened! O is a cOOOOOOl guy! classic, undeniably attractive, and circular. You gotta love O. It's the only letter that you make your mouth the shape of to say. 

5) Ee

Coming in as the number one vowel, E is the future. Whether you like it or not, and believe me, I don't, it's all about E-everything nowadays. Ebooks, eGift certificates, and Empathy. I'm afraid that if I don't put E up this high, when the robots take over, they're going to find and brutalize me. Really give me the once-around. The Trusty Dusty Thomp thump Wallop-job. I don't want my cranium scrunched by a frying pan! Do you? Well? Do you?! ANSWER ME, GOSH DARNIT YOU!

4) Dd

Call me biased, I'll call you by your name because I'm respectful like that. Matta fact, don't you disrespect me in front of my 17 nieces and nephews like that. Alright kiddos, go on ahead into the apple bees, me and this person over here are gonna stay right here in this parking lot and settle some business. *rolls up sleeves*. "Calling me biased, I'll show you bias," I mutter to myself. "You think I got a leftward slant? I'll give your face a leftward slant. Wait, where are you going? No! Do not run away in your Jeep Grand Cherokee! Ow! no! You hit me with your Jeep Grand Cherokee! Come, my nieces and nephews, assemble!" Then, all 17 of my nieces and nephews form together to get into their super form, where they are grand tigers with great, big jaws. They bite and gnaw and brutalize your Jeep Grand Cherokee. Then they tend to my wounds and suck the bad blood from my wounds, replacing it with their own, fresh blood and stem cells. Now I am stronger than ever, and you and your Jeep Grand Cherokee lay there in the Applebee's parking lot, Brutalized. I also like how if you type this -Dd- it's like they are kissing. But if it's this -dD- then they are mad at each other and looking the other way. Dd. They made up!

3) Gg

And I thought K was complex. I can't even figure this guy out! What the hell?!

2) Qq

Q is esoteric, for sure. You probably don't understand Q. But when you do, if you do, you'll know. I can't explain it to you, that's against the point. When you get it, if you do, you probably won't, your brain will expand. It probably won't because you probably will never understand. That's ok. That's the point. Q.

1) Xx

X rocks. X is the singular most concentrated symbol of pwnage and litness that has ever been created. X rocks almightily. That is all.