Elephant's Graveyard: Foxhole Theism

original image from twin peaks

⊹ ˚₊ ♪ ˚₊‧꧁ 𓆩༺ 𝄞 ༻𓆪 ꧂‧₊˚♪ ₊˚⊹

When it comes to being asked about my experience with religion, I would be quick to say that I'm agnostic and my relationship with god is not original to the average ex-catholic. I have such a draw to religious imagery, constant lingering feelings of shame, perversion, guilt, and self-disgust. Although, I am too selfish of a person to have an active relationship with god. But during my weakest moments, I cannot help but put my tail between my legs, and pray for his help. I feel weak, and pathetic that I'd turn to something I don't even believe in. The people who know me very personally know I am a deeply anxious and neurotic person, I struggle with panic attacks, I do live with an active phobia that affects me every day, and religious obsession was one of the first times I showed general obsessive-anxiousness.

I was within a constant state of overthinking about all possible horrible things that go wrong to my loved ones and I, and that when I was seven, I remember getting on my knees and praying until i could name every person I care for, and if I forgot names I would keep myself awake and was scared that god would punish me for being forgetful. I used to clench my feet to every dash in the road when I was in the car because if I did not, the car would crash. I remember that if I was next to one of my parents, I tried to match their breathing, and I would feel so horrible if I didn't match it. After praying, I remember blinking in sync with my heartbeat, and if I stopped, I felt a sense of impending doom for the next day. I remember leaving before school, and if I did not say goodbye to each of my cats in my head, I was scared that I would come home and they would be dead. Later into adulthood, this developed differently, but some parts are still very similar to what I experienced as a child.

Control over my own mortality is something that will ruin my week if I don't make an active effort not to give it power. It has loomed over me for as long as I can remember. Death itself is not scary to me, but what comes after death and the fact that I didn't get to prepare my last words, my last contributions to the world, my last goodbyes. It makes me feel like I am being constantly surveilled, or like I'm walking with a mark on me at all times. The fact that I don't have a personal say in how, when, where, and why I go just sits so sourly with me. It occupies my mind at all times. This is no way of me trying to allude any self harming behavior, but just my weird nerves around death and my own mortality as a human being.

Even in my most vulnerable and weak moments, despite my lack of faith, I cannot help but pray that I will be safe. In moments small like being too drunk for my liking, to walking home alone at night, to being in front of real physical dangers. I find myself turning to god out of desperation and fear. I wish he could take away the fear and uncertainty. I wish I had the ability to provide myself with what a seemingly all-powerful being could not. I wish that I didn't feel like I was seven again, looking outside of my bedroom window, praying for god to protect me from the uncontrollable.

I actively struggle with emetophobia, which is a common phobia that a lot of people struggle with. Most people will say, "yeah, vomit really grosses me out, I can't do vomit," or say that they feel scared when they're sick. Which, is very normal! absolutely normal, and I want to emphasize, not a phobia. For me, it controls every facet of my life. Although with age and personal growth, I've learned that the actual act of vomiting itself isn't what is scary to me, it's the lack of control. I actually didn't have an extreme fear of vomiting when I was younger, I disliked it as much as the next kid, but the concept of throwing up didn't have me breaking out into hives and self-isolating as it does now.

This has led to debilitating anxiety around food, germs, social gatherings, time of the year (sept-april is the peak for stomach flu, fun fact!), I obsess over whether or not I will be sick on my own terms. This has led to me throwing out food that would not have gotten me sick, obsessively washing my hands, isolating myself in my room for the entire night, being scared of eating food not prepared by me, being scared of eating meat, being scared of eating raw vegetables, and so many more things. I have spent so many nights dozing off next to the toilet because I was certain I had the stomach bug, or I had food poisoning. I could never escape it, and I always wanted to execute my plan out on my own terms. If I were going to be sick, I would have to do it exclusively on my own terms.

When I am in my foxhole, and I am unsure if I am going to be throwing up non stop, or just going to be nauseated for extended periods of time, I like to put my hair up, have an ice pack on my neck, have vicks vapo rub on my chest, and upper lip, have loose clothing on that won't get in the way, I take my nose ring out of my nose, I take off any earrings I have, I utilize this "anti nausea pressure point" that is two fingers below your wrist, and I press and actively exhale through my nose. I spit my saliva, I turn the lights off, I clean and make space, I refuse to not be next to a trash can or toilet, I sit in silence, I do not speak, and if it is unbearable, I take zofran which is an antiemetic medication that I have been prescribed because my anxiety-nausea loophole will actively debilitate my entire life.

See, the really funny thing is that this is my own personal hell! I live it absolutely every second of my life and I have not been able to break out of it, the concept of unknowingly being infected and sick out of my control and vomiting is terrifying. I do think that as I'm typing this, I find my fear stupider and stupider.

Although, when I'm in those moments of panic, I can't help but turn to god, those are the moments where I'm begging to be forgiven, those are the moments where I run back home and hope all of what ails me is taken away, I can't help but cry to myself because in reality, there is nobody else but myself, and god, and praying is a way for me to make sense of such a primal fear, it's a way for me to comfort and soothe myself that if there is any higher being, surely I can't miss out on my chance of having my prayers heard.