Get Off your Damn Phone.
I’m trying to better myself. Still. I feel like I’ve been trying to better myself since I was 15. My definition of bettering myself is trying to quit bad habits and push myself to do things that make me uncomfortable. My bad habit is my cell phone. I don’t want to be on it, yet I cannot avoid it. I’ve talked about this before, in my first blog. I hate how much we have to rely on cell phones for everything. Payment, communication, navigation, entertainment. I hate how normalized it is to be constantly involved, indulged, entranced by an electronic device. The number of times someone has walked into, or almost walked into, me while watching something on their cell phone is uncountable. Get off your damn phone!! Acknowledge your environment!! Sometimes I even feel guilty for having my headphones in outside, as it makes me feel somewhat unaware, or like I’m missing something entertaining going on around me. Yet, even if I didn’t have a cell phone on me, I’d be listening to my iPod or the radio. Headphones are also a great way to ignore solicitors. I like music.
Back to my gripes with myself. I’m really bad with time management; I’m really bad with starting things. I amp myself up so often: “I’ll get started when I’m done cleaning” “I’ll get started after lunch” “I’ll get started after this video”. I never get started. I am good at doing stuff I have to do, I.E., homework, but so bad at starting things for my own benefit. I love ideas and creation, yet I’m avoidant of my own, and I don’t really know why. I think it may be an insecurity, like I’m wasting my time, but in reality I don’t have anything better to do. Now is a great time for me to experiment. I’m unemployed. I have my own room. I have hours of free time a day, yet I spoil it all on my computer. I need to paint. I need to make something with foam. I need to scribble. I just need to experiment, but experimentation is scary. Risky. Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe I’m making it all up in my head. Failure is a construct. You’re not failing if you are making the effort to do, to create. Nobody can see you fail if they're all on their cell phones. Nobody saw me sneeze in my coffee this morning because they were all on their cell phones.
I feel as though I owe myself a break, despite the fact that I’m not doing anything besides going to my classes and the occasional get-together. I feel so drained and burnt out from just thinking, and it’s pissing me off. I need to put in the effort.
I need to stop being a baby. Existence is pain, and I need to hurt. Sorry, that was edgy. I’m cooler than that, honest. At least I think I am. I need to prove that I’m cool by MAKING SOMETHING COOL. I think my main problem is not having an active creative space. My senior year of High School was the peak of my creating. I was in 4 or so art classes, including AP art, and spent all of my free time in the art room. I had a teacher who was honest and prompted me to play and experiment. Now, it’s all on me. I’m the one who has to prompt myself. It’s so hard to do things just because. Just for yourself. To prove to yourself that you can do it. Sometimes it feels as if there’s no point when nobody’s watching. But is anybody watching anyway?
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