Have a strong sense of self.
I want to be myself, but I don’t really know myself.
This summer I took pottery classes for beginners. Despite the many sad attempts at trying to center my clay, they didn’t come out the way I pictured it. When classes ended, I received an email a few weeks later to stop by the shop to pick up my pieces. I ignored it because I didn’t want to look at my poorly attempted cups and bowls. I didn’t end up renewing my lessons either because of how disappointed I was with myself. I hate not being good at something the first time I do it. It makes me feel like I lack competence and I don’t want other people to think I’m not capable. It’s like that period of shame you have to go through the first couple weeks when you're the new person at a job.
I’ve always had a hard time keeping up with the rest of my peers which didn’t do well for my self-esteem. I carry high expectations for myself but feel the lowest when I don't meet them. I thought that quitting while I was ahead would save me from the embarrassment and frustration of other people watching me struggle. At one point, the perception of those around me mattered more than me becoming a better version of yourself. It took me a long time to realize that the difficulty is the point because nothing worth it ever comes easy. I want to continue to explore my own curiosity, challenge my own morals and principles, and the most important one, take accountability for my own life and give myself grace.
I say all this to say; humility is good for the ego. As uncomfortable as it is, you have let go of defining yourself by your failures and instead tie it to your perseverance to keep learning. The hardest part about trying to develop a new skill is surviving not being good at something the first few times. Once I realized this, I started to feel more driven and hopeful, confident in my ability to keep learning and believe in myself enough that I’ll see the results I want if I keep going. This isn’t to say that you won’t face any type of critique, but to know yourself so well that your self-worth is so incredibly formidable even in the face of judgement.
If I don't believe in myself, it’s easy for other people to define it for me. I also have this unshakable feeling that I’m meant for more which is why there’s nothing more important to me in this world than to know who I am.
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