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I Started The TB12 Diet Yesterday, In One Month I Should Be An Elite NFL Quarterback

By Jack Ohmer


I Started The TB12 Diet Yesterday. In One Month I Should Be An Elite NFL Quarterback

Let’s face it, some of us are naturally born better than others at anything and everything. And I thank god every day that I’m one of those people. But we all have our flaws that we love to stuff deep down into our memories and emotions until they tip out sideways during a much needed mental breakdown. Even though I have very few, they’re still there.

When you have the face of an angel and the personality so attractive that it makes people think that you’re either bipolar or schizophrenic, you need the body of a champion to go along with it in order to complete the perfect human. Unfortunately, I’m lacking in that department and it’s such a shame to see all of this raw talent of mine go to waste.

College has done nothing but harm to my body. From sitting in the dining hall high for hours on end my freshman year (thanks to the unlimited meal plan) to my newly discovered alcoholism formed as a result of bi-weekly benders with Gran Legacy, I don’t think I’ve seen a gym more than 10 times in the past 4 years. But after this last bender I stepped on the scale, looked myself in the mirror like a man, and decided that it was time for a change.

I thought to myself about all of the icons in this world to look up to: Hulk Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Ron Jeremy, Johnny Sins. Sure, over half of that list most likely has/had a raging drug and alcohol problem, but they all have one thing in common: They know how to take care of their bodies (at least) externally. Then it dawned on me… how could I possibly have forgotten? Your Super Bowl 53 champion not only has a super model wife and millions of dollars, but he also has a diet that helps him take care of his body both internally as well as externally. If that’s not the perfect specimen, I don’t know what is.

So I go to look up this diet. A lot of veggies, white meat, low carbs, 15-25 bottles of water a day, no caffeine (ya, no coffee or soda), no carbonation (not even a god d*mn sparkling water), a protein shake here and there, and repeat. Oh, and also, you can’t eat “night shaded” vegetables (tomatoes, bell peppers, etc.) What the hell, Tom? We get it; you have a personal chef, and your life is based around this regiment, but where is the occasional cheat day? I thought I was the mentally unstable one here, but you just took it to a whole new level. And you know what? I take that as a challenge. I’m not going to sit here and let myself get shown up by some grandpa who doesn’t know when to call it quits. I love you, but now I want to see you crumble. Game on, buddy.

Granted, I’ve said this to myself multiple times over and over only to resort back to Panda Express, Sbarro, and Chick-Fil-A in the matter of a day (thanks UIC) , so I don’t know how long this may last, but you can’t stop me from riding out this “feel good” train.


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