The art of becoming yourself.

How can someone know everything at 18 and nothing at 20?

As a teenager I had such strong confidence in my decisions and what my wants and needs were. The typical teen that knows everything. I was always told by adults, "You don't even know who you are yet." I had always felt such disdain with adults feeling this sort of superiority over me and my mind. I have always known what I wanted to be in life, a doctor. I have been told many discouraging, misogynist and racist things about me having the ability to become what I had always wanted. I remember thinking, "Who are these people to say what will happen to me or what will become of my life." So when people said I didnt know myself yet I thought they were once again discouraging me of my future, so I never listened. I had thought I had such a stable grasp on who I was that I didnt have my eyes on improvement.

During the transitional period of graduating high school and my first year of college, I had become very confident in myself but my mindset remained. I know who I am and I know what I want to be professionally as well as the steps to get there. My ideologies were basic, I had no interest in politics, and I had a slight sense of superiority over peers. Until one March day, something major happened in my life and I'll spare the details but it was something that I believe really made me the person who I am today. I finally allowed myself to fully feel the emotions that I needed to instead of bottling them.

I'd like to think this major event in my life changed my brain chemistry, allowed some frontal lobe development if you will. I realized I needed to be more in life, I realized that the entire time I had been going through my life I knew what I wanted professionally but never actually sat down with myself and asked who I wanted to become as an individual. I had so much more room for improvement and I was finally able to see what needed to be developed. I finally saw that I'm 20 and I know nothing. I've surrounded myself with lovely people all my life and watching them grow with me allowed me to see that none of us actually know we are doing and maybe I won't until I'm 25 and I have a developed brain. I know what I like and what I don't, I know my political preferences, I know my goals, I know what I want to do, but I don't fully know how to respect myself or fully align myself with my wants and needs. I finally know what they meant when they told me I didnt know who I was yet, but I will never forgive any of them for doubting where I will go. I now can see that the decisions I made as an 18 year old, would never be made as a 20 year old. I'm incredibly proud of who I am today and I'm glad I know how to take care of myself, especially now that I understand how to stand alone and ask myself whats wrong and how to fix it. Obviously I have so much more room for improvement and a lot more work to be done. A part of me is scared of seeing how much more I can change, but I'm much more excited to see myself as a true adult.

Its incredibly important to have these conversations with yourself where you allow yourself to be fully vulnerable, with or without company. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I was beautiful then, I am beautiful now, and I will be beautiful in the future. And no one, not even myself will be able to take that from me. Self improvement is art and I will seek it forever.