Intimacy in the Digital Age

It's not uncommon for relationships to start or connections to form from a dating app or a social media site. I myself often make connections online. However, it's through these sites that I've noticed flaws in how intimacy develops, is maintained, and how it can end. It can be especially difficult for people who are strong communicators, sure of their relationship goals, or who are not seeking something casual. Online dating can oftentimes fuel relationship dynamics that move fast and end just as quickly, perpetuate acts of cowardice, create unhealthy feelings of obsession, the ghosting phenomenon, give false senses of intimacy, and, in general, allow you to dehumanize and discard with the promise of a new relationship at your fingertips. As someone who has been on dating apps at various points in my adult life and has seen an array of relationship dynamics develop from them, let's talk about the beauty and the danger of online intimacy.

Online intimacy is rooted in convenience. It's easy to open your phone, look through a profile, see if you match, and then get to talking. It's easy not to have to go out, put yourself out there with the risk of rejection, and hope that something comes of this interaction. It's easy to match with more than one person and then pick your favorite, the one who responds the fastest, who you find the most attractive, who has the same relationship goals, who wants you the most, etc. You can do it all without leaving your house. What's even worse is the avoidant behaviors that thrive on this. Ghosting, ending relationships via text, words unsupported by action, breadcrumbing, and overall poor communication. In the same way that it's convenient to start a relationship online, it's convenient to end it that way.

I've had relationships that ranged from a few months to a few years, and so many ended via text. People I thought cared for me deeply, and I thought they respected me, couldn't look me in the eye to say it was over. All of them described themselves as yearners, lovers, emotionally intelligent, and great communicators. So why did they behave that way? Over the years and through therapy, I realized that the reason I couldn't comprehend it, why it bothered me so much, was that I wouldn't have ever considered doing that to them. As someone who always tries to wear my heart on my sleeve, be direct, and be honest about my feelings for someone, not everyone is like this. I'm not afraid of confrontations, as they're not always fueled by anger. They can be an indicator that someone cares enough to be open with you, trusts you to hear them out, or it is the only way to move forward from a situation. No matter how uncomfortable and difficult, I have ended relationships in person when I knew they had reached their end. Unless someone is abusive, you are in danger, or this is an unreciprocated relationship, it's kind to do in person.

Breakup texts that have been sent to me

I started my blog talking about my experiences on Grindr, and how it can leave a person feeling horribly objectified, and for a trans person like myself, you're seen as a fetish. Seeking intimacy online can be dangerous both for the mind and the body. Though hooking up isn't inherently wrong, it should be done in ways that promote safe sex and show all parties involved that they are valued and deserving of respect. Look to my previous blog, "Feeling an Itch," for info related to STI testing, which is a way of practicing safe sex. So how do we show people they are valued? It's actually quite simple; you make an effort. Words that are accompanied by action. I've recently had people that I'm dating behave in very undesirable ways. Rather than change their behavior, they've only expressed their guilt and their desire to be with me, then continue doing the same thing.

It leads me to a question I've been pondering heavily lately. If I were a less sexual person, would I be respected more by my partners? Would they text me back more frequently, want to see more of me, and speak openly with me about their thoughts/feelings? Have my behaviors related to sex pushed me to be viewed as a "who*e" and, therefore, not worthy of true respect and consideration? Is it that once their ultimate goal of sex is reached, they no longer need to treat me well because my humanity was temporary? Even those who claim to deeply enjoy me as a person and want to spend time with me don't follow through on their sentiments.

Am I just a body?

Dating online can be quite the headache, with many opportunities for miscommunication, doubt, anxiety, and overall disappointments. However, I have met some wonderful people who remind me that it's not always the app, but oftentimes the person behind the screen. Recently, I've had someone who behaves in very hot-and-cold ways. Saying they want to be with me while making no effort to see me. In the same vein, I started seeing someone who is very committed to me and began exploring where our relationship might lead. They're heartfelt, honest, and direct, and I feel a great deal of trust in what they say. There are people out there who are looking to connect but may simply lack the social availability to meet potential partners during their day-to-day. Dating apps can offer a great deal of intentionality if you are fully aware of what you're seeking, how you want those needs met, your boundaries, and, finally, your ability to follow through.

I am grateful for the experiences I've had over the years. They've fueled personal growth and my ability to self-regulate my emotions. No matter how long we were together, it mattered to me, and I don't regret sharing the parts of myself I have. I want to be known as someone who gives it their all and keeps moving forward. I know that I carry a piece of everyone with me, and I want them to know that they have a piece of me as well.

Did they/you end it over text?

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