Starting Over

I hate starting over. It is probably my least favorite thing to do. And over the course of my 21 years, I’ve had to do it many times. 

I have had to start over after friendship breakups more times than I’d like to admit. Always looking back on the words, I should’ve said instead of the ones that came out in rambled circles of regret and embarrassment. How many friendships could I have saved if I had just known to just meet the other person halfway rather than trying to force a one-sided friendship to work?

I have had to restart a project after working on it for hours more times than I can count. Realizing halfway through that I should’ve used a different prototyping material or that I’ve gone so far off track from the assignment guidelines that I’m also confused of what I spent the past hours of my life making. Throwing out models of expensive material never fails to make my head spin after countless cups of tea trying to fight off my body’s cry for even 15 minutes of sleep. How many hours of frustration could I have saved if I had just planned every step ahead of time instead of following the design mentality of “just create it first”?

But most of all I’ve had to restart getting to know myself more times than I can remember. As much as I wish I could see starting over as a clean slate- I can’t because the feeling of uncertainty and failing always follows. It feels like the day everyone else was taught how to start over correctly, I was in ELL class still learning English. Every night from the hours of 1-3am you can find me trying to replan my life Pinterest board after Pinterest board trying to visualize a life I want to wake up to the next day. How many years of self-hatred could I have saved if I had just known what I know about myself now?

Regardless of how much I hate starting over, the number of times I have to will inevitably continue to grow. And I’m doing my best to grow alongside it. The same way I did when I was 7 and moved back to the US and learned English. Even though I tried to resist even looking at English letters, I eventually did because I found my best friend Ava and suddenly, I realized I had someone I wanted to talk to everyday in English. Or how in high school when I was diagnosed with vertigo and had to relearn life with dizziness. While I was so defeated with how many things I had to give up I realized how much was left for me to enjoy and live with the people around me. And of course, my freshman year of college when I decided that being a doctor wasn’t my dream and I changed my major to design. While the absolute fear and every alarm in my head telling me to retreat back to the safer option, I pressed submit on the major change form, and I haven’t looked back since.

Regardless of how things go, there are so many things I want to create and do and I know with those plans comes starting over. So, this is your sign that if you need to start over- you can. And I think you absolutely should.

I’ll be here trying to do so too.

Love, Ariana