The Bastardization of Saint George and the Dragon
A 10-Minute Play
Written by: Niomi Dylan Sass
Characters:
Dragon- Ancient mythical creature, bawdy, bold, fiery, female
Horse- White stallion, brave, quick, reasonable, any gender
Saint George- Roman Army Officer, himbo, thank god he’s pretty, righteous, male
Princess- Heir to Silene, sassy, abrasive, straightforward, female
Chief- Seline’s highest rank, selfish, uneasy, male
Setting & Time:
In medieval times, if they were today, in a small but notable village. Right on the outskirts lies a brown stony lair where the dragon resides. The dragon's den will take up stage right of the set. In the upstage left side is the back of the chief's manor with a second-story terrace where townspeople gather to send off the daily offerings.
Writer’s Note:
You can create your own fight choreography; if you're able to do what I wrote, please call me so I can book a red-eye flight to come watch!
Lights up SR on the stony cave; the DRAGON is guarding its entrance, impatiently. The CHIEF of Seline wearily enters.
DRAGON
How much longer do you plan on having me anticipate my next meal, you swine?! I sent word this morning on who I want for dinner, and yet I see you, father of my dinner, approach my den instead? And nowhere do I see that pretty little princess I requested. Shall I have two dinners tonight instead? SPEAK!
CHIEF
She’s my only daughter, mistress–
DRAGON
DO YOU THINK I CARE? I see it, I like it, if I want it, then I got it. Got it?
CHIEF
Please! Anyone else, you can have anyone else from the village. I’ll bring them here myself, spit-roasted like the swine you think we are, if I must. Just not my daughter.
DRAGON
Then your wife.
CHIEF
What?
DRAGON
You heard me. Since you want to be fickle with my precious time, even when I’m feeling quite generous. You can have this ultimatum: your precious princess or your beloved bride. Would you like to surrender the heir to your throne or the holy womb used to create more miniature versions of yourself?
CHIEF
You’re a monster.
DRAGON
(laughs)Flattering will get you nowhere, darling…The choice is yours. You have until the sun sets. If your daughter or wife doesn’t show up before the sky turns dark, then you will see the brightness of my torching flames engulfing your itsy bitsy village. Got it?
CHIEF
Yes, mistress.
Lights out on SR and up on USL on the Chief’s Terrace. The PRINCESS is awaiting the message from her father, pondering if her fate is sealed. Moments later, the CHIEF enters.
PRINCESS
So…What’s the good news?
CHIEF
Where’s your mother?
PRINCESS
She’s rallying up the townspeople to come watch our precious ceremony.
CHIEF
Good, it’s probably best she doesn’t hear this.
PRINCESS
Oof, that is not a good sign for me.
CHIEF
There was…there was nothing I could say or do. This hell-bent reptile’s head is harder than that murky cave she resides in. She said her appetite won’t be satisfied unless she has you… Or she said she would torch the entire village! I tried to offer myself up instead, but it only angered her more.
PRINCESS
So…What’s the bad news?
CHIEF
I’m so sorry, love.
PRINCESS
The whole village, huh? Well, I guess I don’t really have a choice, now, do I?
CHIEF
I truly wish there was another way. But, you know we have to do–
PRINCESS
Do what’s best for the villagers. I know. (Glances at her nighty she’s currently wearing) Well, I’m not going to die in sweatpants, that’s for sure. How much time do I have?
CHIEF
You’re to be there by sundown.
PRINCESS
Does this wench seriously not have a clock? I need like an exact time. What are we talking here, one…maybe two hours?
CHIEF
(Licks his finger and holds it up to feel the wind, then checks his wristwatch) I’d say about two hours, yes.
PRINCESS
(Weary)Great. That’s enough time to slip into something a little more comfortable. (She takes a deep breath) It’s for the village. Okay. I’ll be on my way soon. I don’t think I could say goodbye to mother. Can you tell her I love her? (She starts to exit but stops) Oh, and tell her, please, don’t wear my clothes when I’m dead; they just don’t fit her right. You know? The back rolls.
CHIEF
Yes, princess, as you wish.
The PRINCESS exits into the manor.
I had to choose her over my wife. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, we can have another child. Oh god, what have I done? I hate toddlers!
He exits through the SL wing. The PRINCESS enters from the lower level of the back of the manor. She’s in a bubblegum pink gown that closes in the front, but it is open, revealing a matching athletic wardrobe. There is a garter on each thigh with a rose-golden dagger attached. She’s about to head off on her journey to the Dragons Den.
PRINCESS
If this bitch thinks I’m going to go down without a fight, she must have mistaken me for Princess Elaine of Astolat. Shiet… She has definitely summoned the right one today; I can tell you that much.
She pumps herself up, ties her gown to hide her weapons, pushes up her breasts, and lets out a bro-style “whoo.” Standing in complete power and beauty.
I’m ready to slay…this dragon.
She exits behind the manor. SAINT GEORGE enters with a long spear from SL wings, riding on his HORSE. Both are decked in white armor with golden accouterments.
HORSE
Could you please get off me now? We’ve made it. Did you really have to go back for two more servings this morning? You know I can feel the difference, right?
SAINT GEORGE
You can talk?
HORSE
Be so effing for real, right now.
SAINT GEORGE
Gotcha! (laughs) Just kidding pal, you know I need all the protein I can get if I’m gonna score the princess for a bride. (He flexes his muscles). I mean, someone has to feed these puppies their spinach, right?
HORSE
Neigh! I see the Chief coming, so act proper, nimrod.
The CHIEF enters onto the terrace of the manor.
CHIEF
The ceremony is about to start. What?
SAINT GEORGE
Hello heavenly good sire! I come to you today with a loooovely dowry, if I do say so myself, in exchange for your daughter's hand in marriage.
CHIEF
I’m afraid…I'm afraid you are too late. She was selected as tonight's sacrifice by that disease-spreading, fire-breathing demon that blocks the canal to our water supply. She only allows water to flow for the night, after she’s had her fill. (Gets an idea) If only there was some brave…strong…handsome young man daring enough to slay the dragon and free our village from the clutches of that evil beast. That person could definitely marry my daughter.
SAINT GEORGE
Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t I slay that wretched dragon and free your community from her wrath? Then could I marry your daughter?
HORSE
Wow.
CHIEF
Lovely! That sounds like a splendid idea. You have to hurry though, the Princess must be approaching the cave (he licks his finger and holds it up to the air, then looks at his watch) soon.
HORSE
(To themself) Great, even the Chief isn’t the brightest hay in the stack.
SAINT GEORGE
I must hurry then. The next time you see me, be prepared to call me son–father. I’ll bring home my darling bride and kill that flying Sam’s Club version of Godzilla.
CHIEF
Godspeed soldier...Son.
SAINT GEORGE rides off on HORSE.
I’m so screwed…Honey! Are the guests ready?
Lights out on the manor. Lights up SR on the Dragon’s Den. DRAGON is guarding the entrance to her cave while cleaning her teeth with a bone from her previous meal.
DRAGON
(Singing) I don’t cook, I don’t clean, but let me tell you how I got this ring! HA HA HA! I stole it off the last sacrifice. Didn’t want something so dazzling to go to waste.
The PRINCESS enters.
Oh good. I thought I was going to have to burn your town to the ground. To be quite frank, I just did not have the energy to do that today. I’m surprised your father sent you instead of his wife.
PRINCESS
He said you didn’t give him a choice.
DRAGON
Oh, is that what he said?
PRINCESS DRAGON
(Gasps) Spineless bastard! (Laughs) Spineless bastard!
SAINT GEORGE rides in with HORSE. Light up on whole stage.
HORSE
We’re here; now please unmount me!
HORSE comes to a full stop, neighs, and bucks SAINT GEORGE off their saddle. SAINT GEORGE does a swift backroll, sticking the landing.
SAINT GEORGE
Don’t worry, m’lady! I have come to rescue you from this beautiful beast.
PRINCESS DRAGON
Beautiful? Beast?
HORSE
(Whispers) Ex-neigh on the trash talk.
PRINCESS
Who are you again?
SAINT GEORGE
It is I, (looks at PRINCESS) your future husband, (looks at DRAGON) and your future slayer. Saint George, the conqueror of love and dragons! My fair princess, stand back. The Chief of Seline said he’d give me his blessing to marry you if I defeated the dragon. AND DEFEAT THE DRAGON I SHALL!
SAINT GEORGE draws his spear into the attack position while flexing his muscles and positions himself a few feet in front of the PRINCESS.
And with this holy weapon blessed by Jesus H. Christ, his goddamn self, I will bring a steady supply of drinkable water back to the thirsty people of Seline. This is for our Father, his Son, and the Holy fucking Trinity. Hear me, Dragon, for my hoarse yet supple vocal cords will be the last sound your ears ever hear. You may be one of the most beautiful beasts my eyes have had the chance of witnessing…
PRINCESS
(To HORSE) Seriously, what’s with the beautiful thing?
DRAGON
Call me a beast ONE MORE TIME!
SAINT GEORGE
HA HA HA! I laugh in the face of fear and… BEASTS!
DRAGON lets out a mighty roar with sparks flying out of her mouth. SAINT GEORGE is gobsmacked in fear, begins to tremble, and is about to open his mouth to scream. DRAGON swallows SAINT GEORGE whole, well, except for his arm that was holding the spear.
PRINCESS AND HORSE
Holyyyyy sh****ttttt!
DRAGON has her neck held up to the sky as she weirdly and slowly swallows SAINT GEORGE.
HORSE
Don’t just stand there! Get the spear, hurry!
PRINCESS
But his hand is still holding onto it.
HORSE
I don’t have opposable thumbs, or I’d do it.
PRINCESS
(Squeals) Okay!
PRINCESS throws her robe off and takes one of her daggers from her garter. She uses it to pry SAINT GEORGE’s arm from the spear, then reholsters the dagger.
HORSE
Excellent! You ever rode a stallion before?
PRINCESS
(Jokingly)Depends on who’s asking!
HORSE
As terrible as George, I see. How Tragic. You might have actually made a lovely couple. Get on!
PRINCESS mounts HORSE, couching the spear in rest with DRAGON’s neck.
I have an idea! I’ll launch you forward so you have enough force to penetrate her thick scales. You ready?
PRINCESS
Yes! No, wait–
HORSE
Too late!
DRAGON
(Gargantuan gulp, disgusted) He tasted like nicotine, beer, and testosterone.
DRAGON starts to bring her neck down and notices PRINCESS flying at her.
PRINCESS DRAGON
OH F*CK! oh f*ck.
The spear enters directly into the middle of DRAGON’s throat. PRINCESS does a kickflip off DRAGON and lands ala Spider-Gwen. DRAGON lets out a weak roar that turns into gargles and spits out blood onto PRINCESS. PRINCESS isn’t finished though; she pulls out her two daggers. DRAGON’s head falls to the floor, and PRINCESS Superwoman jumps to stab a dagger into each of DRAGON’s eyes ala Elektra Natchios.
HORSE
Mother Mary and Joseph, we did it!
PRINCESS
Oh my god! We effing did it–
PRINCESS turns around and vomits.
Oof! Never killed a dragon before, sorry.
She vomits again.
Okay, I’m done.
HORSE
Well, Princess, shall I take you back to your manor?
PRINCESS
You mean I don’t have to walk? Phew! (beat) Thank you, noble stallion.
PRINCESS and HORSE both bow to each other in respect. She puts back on her bubblegum pink gown, hiding her bloody battle clothes, and mounts HORSE. They start to ride back to the manor.
(Remembering) Do you think killing your worthless, lying father is as easy as killing a dragon?
HORSE
Neigh, Princess. Much, much easier.
They both begin to laugh. Blackout.
THE END.
Comments