The Eye of the Beholder

I have come to realize that I spend the majority of my life in pursuit of beauty. I must note that living a life in pursuit of beauty is only ill-advised if you believe it to be some external source, or even attempt to use it as a weapon. That is not what true beauty is, nor what I believe true beauty to be. True beauty lies between your ears and in your chest just as much as it does in the world around you; it acts as a solar flare that will spark as often as you allow yourself to find it. True beauty does not demand things of you or wish to alter your body and face. It is rich and splendid. It is peaceful just to be in the presence of true beauty.

I sometimes wonder how much more of true beauty I would witness if I stopped trying to solve myself like an algebraic equation. I am soft and sound, like an impressionist painting. I should not concern myself with formulas I do not comprehend. Too much of our time is spent categorizing ourselves as points on a graph, frequently comparing and contrasting our standing with that of the people around us. Considering my life as a chronological timeline makes me feel cornered. I like for my timeline, along with the rest of my life, to feel more freeform, not uniform.

Feelings like the one above are why I have always loved English class. There never seemed to be a firm answer; everything was open to interpretation if you were able to express your point well enough. In math class, a single error meant the entire equation was ruined, but the arts allow for mistakes that can turn your project into something better than you could have presumed. 

I believe my need to express myself creatively stems from feeling trapped in STEM. As some of you know, I switched my major from a STEM field to a Liberal Arts and (not so) Sciences field. The moment I switched, I felt a sudden revelation, as if this was what I was meant to study from the beginning. I have always ruminated on who I am and what my desires are for some time now, but it is at this time of year that those voices seem to get louder and louder. Ironically enough, it was last Winter when I decided to change my field of study.

I am hypothesizing that the rest of the year will pass quickly, like the sand falling from an hourglass. January will appear before our eyes in an instant, so it is now that I want to be more careful with my time. I want to protect the things I value and find a refuge of rest between the madness of the holidays. I want to see the beauty in myself and not question if it is real or deserved. Searching for external validation is excellent for receiving recognition for the destination, but the journey is where true transformation lies. When we trust ourselves, good things happen. When we love ourselves, the world opens up to all possibilities. I pray your November is full of beauty and wonder, rest and light. 

With love,

Kierstyn

Image from Pinterest