What's the T?
I've been on testosterone on and off for almost two years now. Lately, I've gotten back to being consistent with my injections and been reminded why I started T, how it's changed my life, and where I see it in my future. It's been one of the best decisions I've made, while also meaning letting go of parts of myself that used to be a big part of my identity. I don't expect to be on T forever, or even for another year, but it opened my eyes to things I hadn't thought of or explored. Come with me this week on my journey through T and the bittersweet feelings it brings me.
Long before I started T, it was in the background of my life. I would watch as former partners would do their injections, accompany them to doctors' appointments for refills of their prescriptions, celebrate the physical changes, and listen intently as they told me what it meant for them to feel the euphoria that only comes from getting to look in the mirror and see their truest self. Being non-binary, I couldn't quite understand what I was seeking when it came to authentic gender expression. I didn't want to look like they did; I didn't want to feel unrecognizable to myself, but I didn't want to stay the same.
I wore binders, bought a packer, dressed in my own version of androgyny, cut my hair in new styles, did lighter makeup looks, and nothing felt quite right. I knew deep down that no matter what I did, it wouldn't do much for how I was perceived walking around in the world. I was always going to be seen as a woman. So, I needed to change my perspective of what being non-binary/trans meant to me. I wanted it to feel personal enough that even if no one validated me in that experience, I could still feel whole.
I love my connection to womanhood, and the beauty of sisterhood that can come with it. The knowing looks I have with women when someone says something we both know we'll be talking about later. The gentle words of the drunk girl in a bathroom at a bar. Hearing people tell me that I look like my mom. Knowing my name is a dedication to the women in my family. I love women. I spent the majority of my life holding tightly to the feeling that was who I was. I don't quite recall when it was that I realized I was less of a woman and more just a figureless being, but here I am.
It sounds a bit silly, but it was actually a TikTok about Rhaenyra from House of the Dragon that made it click in my brain that I could start T. Basically, someone was saying how they needed to see Rhaenyra start low-dose T. I was like, "Oh damn, yeah, you can do a low dose". I basically booked my Planned Parenthood appointment shortly after and started on .2 ml weekly. I was pretty consistent for quite a few months, with a few missed doses here and there. Once I moved last year, I really fell off with it. I'm back on it, and feeling good.
In terms of results, I've gotten more body/facial hair, bottom growth, my voice has lowered, and my sexuality has felt more fluid. I like the body hair except on my face, and bottom growth is cool. I've always been pansexual, but I feel like being on T has opened me up to wanting to explore more of my sexuality than I used to.
The most bittersweet feeling is with my voice. I grew up singing. It was one of my favorite things to do, and at one point in time I had intentions of going to a music conservatory for college to study voice. It was a big piece of my identity that sometimes I don't realize I'm grieving. I like the way I sound now; my voice and my way of speaking are always complimented, but I miss being able to sing the way I used to. If I had the time and the money for it, I'd get lessons to work on training this new voice of mine, but I can't do that quite yet. I love this new part of me, and I don't regret taking T and becoming more of who I am.
Have you ever wanted to change a part of yourself?
Yes
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