Who Would I Be if I Stopped Being the Victim?
We all have life experiences that define who we are. Some have been deeply rooted in us for many years, and we believe they have become integral to our identity. I want to start by saying that whatever has happened in your life, you have the right to take the time you need to process it emotionally. I will not tell you how much time you should take; there is no right answer.
I needed a bit of that time myself. At some point, however, I realized how much I was letting what had happened control my whole life. How it affects my interpretation of other people’s intentions, how I react to disagreements, what I expect from relationships, what I expect, and how I view myself.
For a long time, I thought I could not forgive because I was still angry.
Later, I began to wonder if it was really still anger. Maybe it was more fear of what would happen next? What about my right to be upset? My certainty that I am right? My version of the story?
What is left of the hurt when we no longer need it? And who are we when the person we have blamed for years for a part of our own lives no longer belongs in it?
Stepping out of the role of the victim can be terrifying because that suffering has, in a way, structured our entire lives up until now. We could hide behind it; it protected us countless times and explained our behavior.
But at the same time, it robbed us of our full agency.
This made me realize that I cannot let this ruin my future relationships.
Yes, someone hurt me, but that does not mean I am the kind of person everyone hurts, because I have people around me to care about my feelings. Thanks to this, I know that my worth does not depend on the words I heard in the past. That I cannot use this as an excuse to stop fighting for my future or to justify every decision I make, because I have ambitions, I have abilities, and I have dreams, so I am meant for more.
Forgiveness is not about erasing the past. It is about taking away the power it has over the present. We are more than that, and we cannot let it destroy the rest of the days ahead. I have to learn to live in a world where that happened, but where it is no longer happening.
What do we gain by suffering but not forgiving?
Anger gives us what we need every time: control.
When someone has done something to us that we could not prevent, anger lets us recover some form of agency. We keep telling ourselves that it will never happen again, that we will not tolerate it ever again. Anger establishes boundaries. By suppressing that rage, we fear we will lose the mechanism that protected us and become exposed and helpless once more.
Sometimes we still fantasize about justice.
We wait for that person to realize what has been done, to come and apologize, to face the consequences. We hope that something similar will happen to them, too, so that they will truly regret it. And maybe then we will let it go. We need to be seen: “If you will not admit that you hurt me, then at least I will remember it for both of us.”
This is our way of shaping ourselves.
The situation that happened may make it easier for us to explain why we respond with rage, why we hurt others ourselves, why we reject people, and why we do not have to move in. Because we have been harmed, we have the right to stay in that pain.
It lets us maintain a connection with that person.
We may feel resentment, hatred, or disappointment toward someone, but every day we imagine what we would say to their face right now, how we would react, how we would show we are still here, and how we would remind them of their guilt. Sometimes the person we most want to cut out of our lives still occupies a huge amount ot out time and energy.
The chance to mourn what we did not get…
The person we could have become, the relationship that could have been different, the childhood we never had, the version of our partner we believed in. The reason it is so painful is that we feel we have lost a chance at something much bigger, something that we will never come back.
What are we afraid of? What prevents us from forgiving?
We are afraid that forgiveness will take away the significance of the experience.
When we think about forgiveness, we do not feel “I am finally free,” but rather, “I am no longer treating my pain seriously.”
We do not want to heal, even though we are already so tired, sad, and discouraged. Because if we do, what does that say about what happened? Does it mean that, in the end, that person won the battle?
Just because the wound stops hurting so much does not mean it never existed. It does not mean you lose proof of your own suffering. You do not forget it, because certain things cannot just be erased from your memory, and you cannot expect that of yourself. You remember what happened, how you felt, and how it affected you. But you no longer want to build your life around that memory.
You can stop thinking about it every day, but that does not mean it is not meaningful. You can start being happy again and enjoying life without betraying the apart of yourself that had to go through that tough chapter.
You are a person who has a choice, who can make decisions for yourself, and who does not have to prove to anyone that what happened to you mattered. Forgiveness does not erase the fact that it happened. Forgiveness does not mean it was acceptable. Forgiveness does not mean you are letting someone back into your life. Forgiveness is not giving up your limits.
Forgiveness is your refusal to continue paying for someone else’s actions.
Because you are a victim.
But you are also someone who can build a loving relationship. You are someone who can travel the world. You are someone who can write a book. You are someone who can climb the stairs of success. You are someone with many experiences still ahead of you, and that is what you want to focus your attention on. We do not have to suffer our whole loves just to prove that we once truly suffered.
I know how bitter it is when you see that this person has moved on from it. They work, have a family, and friends. They never gave you the apology you deserved. But please remember that you are not dependent on whether or not they acknowledge that they harmed you.
Sometimes forgiveness cannot and does not have to be a conversation between two people. It can be your decision alone. You do not have to wait for someone to do anything for you to be ready to keep going. You can forgive someone but still believe they do not deserve a place in your life, refuse to see them as a good person, and never want to speak to them again. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate things.
You are not doing this for them; you are doing it only for yourself. Without their apology, without reconciliation, without a big conversation.
Someone took a year or more of our lives away because of what they did.
We do not want to let them take the next five years just because we constantly remind ourselves of it.
You forgive because you no longer want to sacrifice more time to him, you do not want to be stuck with this, and you are cutting him off from your future. What you do with the rest of your life depends entirely on you, never on them.
These are my personal reflections, since writing here has led me to c constantly make new observations and contemplate my own experiences.
Maybe this will help someone and resonate with you. I hope so.
With love,
Kierstyn
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