are we oversharing or just making small talk?
The other day I was spending some time with a new friend, and we were going through the traditional getting to know each other conversation. I remember before our hangout I had told myself that I wasn't going to "trauma dump" or mention any of the serious events that happened to me before attending UIC. In my mind, I came to the conclusion that since the people I will meet here at UIC are meeting me after my "trauma" or "life altering event," I don't need to go into extensive detail as to why I am the way that I am. They will simply just know this version of me. I hope this makes sense.
My plan didn't hold up though because during the conversation she asked me a question that pertained to the area of my life I was trying to avoid speaking about. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her question, but it caused me to really think about the conversations that I have with people I'm just getting to know.
I saw a TikTok (I feel like I say this every blog lol I'm so sorry) of this girl talking about how when she gets to know people she shares information that to her doesn't seem deep at all. She said she will talk about trauma that she's been through to people she just met and they may think she is being deep with them, but to her it's just basic information to share with people. Since seeing that video this topic has weighed heavily on my mind.
Since high school I would always share personal information about myself without a care. I used to walk around the hallways saying "I'm an open book. I'll tell you anything." Some of the friendships I have literally formed because upon introductions with these people we immediately started trauma dumping. While I think this can be very fun and beautiful, I can't help but wonder if it's actually necessary in order to get close to a person.
I think there is a line between getting to know someone and trauma dumping with someone, and too often this line gets blurred. We may think that in order to have a strong connection with someone they need to know all the deep dark parts of us. Have you ever had a "late-night deep talk" with someone and afterwards thought, "Man, this really brought us closer as friends"? It's a great feeling isn't it? Now maybe you and this person are still friends and that's great, but have you ever had a "late-night deep talk" with someone where you thought the connection got stronger but in reality it remained more or less the same? You see, I think we sometimes confuse genuine vulnerability with oversharing. The idea that in order to feel close to a person, they must know everything we've been through creates this illusion of a deeper connection. There have been times where I've told people something that was deep and meaningful to me and have regretted it because I realized dumping this information on them wasn't needed in order for us to become close friends.
I've made friends at UIC that I would consider some of my best friends, and I didn't need to trauma dump with them until I thought the time was right. My relationship with these friends is very strong and it's not because I immediately shared every intricate detail about myself. The very first friend I made at UIC my freshman year was my friend Sophia. Since we were both freshman and were each other's only friend of course we trauma dumped and gave each other the entire lore of our lives. After this conversation I thought to myself, "Wow, Sophia and I are going to be great friends" but it wasn't this conversation that made us friends. It was watching each other experience some of the things we dumped about, and being with each other through new experiences that really bonded us.
Social media has kind of trained us that our information should be very public for people to see and that everyone is entitled to know everything about us. This to me just isn't true. People don't need to know every single thing about you right off the bat and they certainly aren't entitled to this information either.
There may be events in your life that you think aren't as serious as others so you have no problem telling multiple people about it, but not everyone needs or even deserves to know those parts of you. In the connections I've made, I may share personal details about myself, but if I don't continue to water that friendship so they get to know the person that I am now, the friendship won't be strong.
There is something beautiful about taking your time to get to know a person. Even if they quickly give you their life long lore you still can't fully connect with this person. There is no shortcut to becoming close friends with a person. You shouldn't try to force a connection with someone by oversharing. You can't fast track a relationship and you shouldn't have to! I think it can be good and is necessary to share personal details about yourself with people you know. I don't, however, think it all needs to be shared at once. Does oversharing information about our lives actually help us connect with people, or are we simply oversharing as a way to fill the silence?
Happy Thursday everybody! I hope you guys enjoyed this blog. This is a topic that runs through my head quite frequently. It's beautiful to open up to people and have them get to know you, but I guess the question is whether this should be done all at once or slowly over time? Are we telling people too much about ourselves or are we simply making comversation? I think this is the kind of question that everyone needs to answer on their own. My advice: Just don't give out pieces of your heart or insights into your mind to people who don't deserve to know you that well.
I hope you all have a great weekend and an amazing Halloween!! ;)
With Love Always,
~Side Note xoxo 💋
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