modern dating advice sucks🙍🏾‍♀️

photo credit - Pinterest

If there is one thing I think we can all agree on, it's that social media is seriously taking over the way we think as a whole. If you know me personally you know that I blame a lot of things on social media, and love to take breaks from it. Another thing that I think we can agree on is that modern dating is...scary right now to say the least. Do I believe that social media plays a role in that? Yeah, you already know I do. People love to go on social media and talk about things they know hardly anything about, and dating is one of them. Since we consume a lot of digital media, it is easy to form "opinions" from the several different opinions that you scroll through (and most of these opinions are gathered from OTHER people's opinions, but that's a talk we aren't ready for). I think a lot of people are aware of the fact that social media gives out bad dating advice. Everyone says "modern dating sucks!", yet I still see people listening to this bad advice🤔.

So, as I always do, I decided to compile a list of bad dating advice (with the help of my amazing friends) and we are going to discuss a few of them together. Buckle up my friends and let's get right into it.

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1. Showing Effort/Appearing Available is Needy and Desperate

This is a very strong place to start. There has been a huge wave of people trying to be "nonchalant" in their relationships, with the idea in mind that appearing as if you don't care is better than being a "simp" or desperate. This idea takes several different forms in modern relationships and they all pretty much suck. A few examples are choosing to take hours to respond to someone so that you don't seem obsessed and can "play it cool", the idea that you shouldn't double text someone, not fully bringing up issues in a relationship because of the fear that you'll look like you care more than your partner, or simply just making it seem like you don't care about the person you are dating. This is such bad advice, I mean cmon. Who wants to date someone who acts like they don't care or want to be with you? People truly believe that showing genuine interest in a person would make them want to be with you less, so dating now feels like a competition of who can care the least. I've heard girls over and over talk about how they hate a man who is nonchalant, so if you think showing effort is a "bad" thing, then you are automatically starting off on the wrong foot.

2. "I Can Fix Them"

I'm going to be completely honest with you on this one: you probably can't. As I referenced in one of my previous blogs (500 Days of Avoiding Emotional Commitment) you can't change someone who doesn't want to be changed and I will DIE on this hill! Now, I believe that yes when you get into a relationship with someone you guys do slowly grow and change together, but you should never be with someone with the intent of "changing" them. We are people, not projects and this is real life, not some movie where the jock gets with the nerdy girl and makes her popular because of a bet (She's All That mentioned lol). I also think getting into a relationship with "fixing them" in mind is not only toxic, but it could create massive ripples in the relationship. The way I see it, one of you guys is going to get hurt and it will probably be the person who set out to do the changing. On top of that, your partner might resent you for not being accepting of who they are or how they act. All in all this idea is extremely messy and there is a simple fix: if someone possesses qualities that you don't like, find someone who doesn't have those qualities.

3. Don't Chase, Attract

   Now this is a very popular phrase. I do believe that there is some truth behind it, but I also think that it's reached a point where it's become a blanket statement. The phrase itself is said to promote "self-worth" and the idea that you should "maintain personal power rather than chase validation." While it is good to set boundaries for yourself and value self-love, this phrase promotes a passive lifestyle. A friend (shoutout Josh lol) mentioned a quote by Keanu Reeves where he said, "If you don't fight for love, what kind of love do you have?". This represents a more active rather than passive approach to relationships. While I do believe that there is something to be said about attracting, the idea that you should sit back and do nothing while waiting for something to come to you may (at times) be unrealistic.

4. "The Best Way to Get Over Someone is to Get UNDER Someone New"

   Without explanation, this phrase already has red flashing lights. Getting with a new person as quickly as you can is a very unhealthy way to get over someone. If you aren't fully recovered from a breakup or loss of connection with someone, choosing to jump into something new with another person is like putting a bandaid over a cracked window. This can also start a cycle of pain because you never fully allowed yourself time to heal and reflect, and instead brought another person into your "healing process." There is a phrase that says "hurt people, hurt people" and I think this is true. You should allow yourself to go through the emotions of a breakup. I think a lot of relationship issues spark because people have unresolved issues/trauma that later gets dragged into a new relationship, and on and on and on. There is nothing wrong with being on your own for a little bit after a breakup, and this is certainly way better than using another person to forget about someone else.

5. Overcomplicating Someone's Actions/Intentions (DELUSION)

The best for last. If you have not seen the movie He's Just Not That Into You, the main plot is basically that guys are relatively simple to understand and if he's playing "hard to get" or ignoring you it's not because he's too scared to talk to you, it's because he's just not that into you. I think a lot of people try to overcomplicate signals that people send to them, men and women. If someone is sending you mixed signals, chances are that they are unsure of whether they want to be with you and will end up leading you on. The idea that being complicated and hard to read in a relationship is seen as attractive just sounds crazy. This ties back to my first point: if you want to be with someone why would you pretend that you don't? On the other hand, if you don't want to actually be with someone, then leave them alone. Simply put. I've heard a lot of excuses being made for complicated signals, when the reality is that they probably just aren't that into you, or at least they don't want you as much as you want them.

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photo credit - Pinterest

One of the biggest problems with dating in this generation is that people expect it to be exactly like the movies. I've said it once and I'll say it again: social media has really altered romance. Many people think that being in a relationship should feel like the honeymoon stage everyday, and for some it may, but realistically, this phase wears off. A lot of people will say that the "spark has died" or that the "chase is over" and go looking for greener pastures. The truth is that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, it's green where you water it.

Because of media we have a bit of an unrealistic expectation when it comes to relationships. Am I saying that you should lower your standards, never, but you also have to understand that we are all human. You should never compromise your values and standards for another person, but you should also keep in mind that humans are not inherently mind readers. If you do not communicate with your partner, they will never be able to read your mind.

This is not to say that ALL advice on social media is bad because I've seen a few that actually seem healthy and make sense. I wish that we as a whole would stop listening to crappy advice from the internet, but until then take every bit of advice that you hear with a grain of salt guys!

Thank you guys SOO much for reading, and special shoutout my friends Jenyce, Brian, Kaylee, and Kiera (and a few others🫶🏾) for inspiration lol. I hope you guys have a wonderful day and an even better weekend!

With Love Always,

~Side Note xoxo !!💋