On & Off the Pedestal

I consider myself to be a fairly confident person. Even at a young age I’ve always been an outgoing and extroverted person. I mean, nothing will ever be as nerve wracking as the first day of second grade in a new country, with a new language, at a new school- right? Wrong. After years and years of not letting anyone get in my head, my confidence has faltered. I went from not caring at all to waking up worried about every little detail.

Am I wearing a cool enough outfit? Is my hair styled enough to stand out? Is my design going to reflect all of the time and energy I put into it? Am I doing enough outside of class to justify my work in class? Am I doing too much and coming off as a show off who is bragging? Why am I not getting invited to hangouts after planning so many myself? Does everyone secretly hate me? And as someone who has never experienced any of these concerns, having them for the first time at the age of 20 gave me whiplash.

My whole life I’ve known who I am and what I like but it suddenly wasn’t enough, so how did this happen? The answer is the cursed imaginary pedestal that you put others on. It happens to the best of us, and unfortunately I have finally fallen victim. I think it’s because of how design classes are formatted here at UIC, I see the exact same people for 3-6 hours for 4 days in a row. As a result their opinions became the only ones I would hear regularly, and it slowly formed an echo chamber. As the echoes grew louder so did my paranoia. So naturally, in my head they were put on the highest step of the pedestal while I stared up from the bottom. I forgot my own accomplishments and most importantly how many people love me.

As much as I love my major and all of the projects I’ve made, I am so much more than my drawings and prototypes. I am an undergraduate research assistant and designer for the chancellor of my university. I am historian of the UIC chapter for the national service fraternity and head of the events committee for the honors college club. I volunteer hundreds of hours of my time to the Chicago community every year because I love giving back to the people who make me love this city as much as I do. I have my own blog and a space for me to be creative without being graded or critiqued.

And as often as I see the people in design, I have so many other amazing people who love me in my life. My group chat with my best friends Eliza, Anjali, Ari, and Andrea is the first place I go to when I do something new. I never hesitate to tell them, I’m never worried that they’ll think I’m showing off or bragging because I’m always met with unconditional love and celebration. The same way I am genuinely happy for them when they share news too because there’s no room for jealousy when my goals include them winning too. Not to mention the passion we have to see one another. Eliza is always going to be the first person on the train to Chicago to hangout. How could I ever forget the fact that Anjali ate lunch with me between flights just so she could see me. Or the fact that even with her rigorous engineering classes Ari always asks facetime so she can hear what’s going on in my life. And Andrea always knows what to reply with to my stories to comfort me and make me laugh. I never doubt their love, and I never have to change myself to get their attention.

Same with my boyfriend. Since he is president of the chapter I’m historian of, he gets it. He never thinks I’m too much even when my voice is high pitched with excitement while telling him something new. And he’s more than happy to wipe away the happy tears with a congratulating kiss on the forehead. Not to mention invites have just become a formality between the two of us, we always want me to do whatever we’re doing together.

I also run to my brother, who I look up to in every way. If anyone thought I did too much on campus, they would break a sweat talking to Arman with his ongoing list of involvement and accomplishments. And even though he’s probably already done what I’m telling him about, he’ll hug and congratulate me like it’s the coolest thing he’s heard all year. As a younger sister who is always trying to impress him, the fact that he’s proud of me will never get old.

But even Arman can’t outdo the originals AKA mom and dad. They were the ones who raised both of us to know the importance of everything we’re doing. They make sure we’re doing things with passion and care, not just for a resume. But most of all, they’re always there to celebrate everything no matter how big or small with an overwhelming amount of love. 

It’s this love that I finally said enough is enough. I can’t let someone who makes me feel small be on the pedestal. Not when I have so many people who raise me to be the very best that I can be with their love for who I am. So slowly I’ve started to regain my confidence.

I’m remembering who I am and what I like without caring about anyone else.

Don't let someone undeserving be on the pedestal,

Love, Ariana