The Art of a Kiss
I love to kiss. The tenderness, the proximity, the warmth, and the openness. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they kiss, and even more about the way they are able to adjust to fit into the kissing style of their partner. As someone who participates in hookups, kissing can feel like one of the most intimate parts of the experience. It's part of foreplay and the first sign of chemistry. A kiss can make or break how I feel about someone. This week we're going to talk about types of kisses, how to ask someone to adjust, my suggestions, and hopefully acknowledge that kissing is a learned skill. There's no shame in being nervous or anxious about your performance or trying out different styles of kissing. I'm just some rando on the internet, so feel free to ignore me (but I've only been told I'm a really good kisser soooo).
To start with the basics, there are different ways to kiss. You can do it with your mouth open or closed, with or without tongue, slow or fast, soft or hard, long or short. Maybe you'll stick with one way or do a combination of things, and you may add other things to intensify the experience.
A peck is a closed-mouth kiss with the lips pursed that is short in length of time and can be done once or in succession. I most often give a peck as a greeting on the cheek or the lips, and I don't want to do too much PDA. I would say this is one of the most common kisses, but I wouldn't suggest it as a form of deeper kissing style, as it can interrupt the flow and feel disruptive, especially if your partner is trying to deepen the kiss or kiss longer.
Adjacent to a peck is a prolonged kiss, where you press your lips together without much movement of the lips for a longer period of time. Typically, this is good for playing around with pressure and can be accompanied by pulling your partner closer to you or tightly holding one another.
Single lip kissing is when your partner's bottom or top lip falls between your lips, and vice versa. Typically, you switch back and forth in where your lips are positioned, and it can be done slowly, quickly, softly, or hard. Depending on the vibe you want to give off or the urgency you may feel that determines the pacing or intensity behind it. This is what I would suggest as a starter for kissing, as you can go at your own pace and get a feel for your personal rhythm.
French kissing, or kissing with tongue, is a popular form that many consider to be the most intimate. It can also be one of the trickiest, and I have personally found myself turned off by a partner who doesn't kiss with tongue at all or does it in ways that I find unappealing. Typically, I introduce tongue to a partner by either slightly opening my mouth to invite them to put their tongue in, or, in the middle of actively kissing, I'll lightly lick or place my tongue on their lips so they can open their mouth.
My next suggestion depends on the dynamic you have with the person, everyone's comfort, and the vibe of the situation (consent is key). I've held the person's face where the palm cups their chin and your fingers are laid on one cheek, your thumb on the other, and with light pressure you press the cheeks, and it has the person's mouth open so you can put your tongue in. I would say that this can and does come off as a more eager or aggressive move, but depending on your partner, they could find it to be very attractive.
Another tricky thing about French kissing is saliva. Some people like it wet and messy, and they may want you to spit in their mouth. If everyone involved is into that, then go crazy. If not, then best to take short breaks and swallow your saliva. Adjacent to this would be tongue sucking, which is pretty much as it sounds. I would suggest keeping it gentle with low suction and a slight bobbing movement. Unless the person likes it a lot/more than other forms of kissing, I would do it alongside other things, but not as the main focus. French kissing can be difficult, and some people just don't like it. I find that it should feel like a massage with light pressure; you shouldn't be jabbing, shoving, or sticking your whole tongue in someone's mouth (unless you're both into that).
My suggestions for adding to the experience would be to touch each other's hair, kiss places other than the lips, press into each other, hold hands, maybe tease a little by hovering over the lips and seeing who bridges the gap, sit on their lap/straddle them and vice versa, lightly touch their skin, or lightly squeeze their thighs/butt/biceps. I often ask people how they like to be kissed, if they want to demonstrate, and whether I can demonstrate my style. If there's something that isn't meshing, I feel pretty comfortable stopping and telling the person how I'd like them to adjust.
If you're not as comfortable, offering to demonstrate is a good way to go, verbalizing what you enjoy so they have a better idea and an opportunity to adjust. What I think we all should build confidence in is saying no and saying you don't like something. Obviously, there are some disturbing people out there, and you may feel/are being pressured or forced to do things. I hope something like this never happens to you, but in the hope that you're with a rational person, they should be receptive to your desire to stop or slow down. Some people just don't mesh, and that's okay too! No harm in finding out you don't like kissing each other and stopping there.
Have you had a "bad" kiss?
Yes (I feel you babes)
No (okay lucky you)
I appreciate how you frame kissing as a learned skill rather than an innate talent, which normalizes the nervousness many people feel. Your point about the peck interrupting flow stood out to me, since it suggests that even a common gesture can clash with a partner's pacing. That raises a question: how do you recommend signaling a desire to slow down or speed up without breaking the mood entirely?
Related resource: https://collagemaker.org/